John Bolaris column: Boyfriend wants to experiment

John Bolaris
Metro columnist John Bolaris.

My boyfriend of three years and I are becoming very bored with our sex lives. When we first met, it was a slow start, but moved into a very fulfilling, active sex life. Over the past year or so, it’s become very inactive and boring. He asked me if we can experiment with another woman? Why can’t he just be satisfied with me? Is this something we should experiment with?
—Dorothy, 29

Hmm Dorothy. Going into uncharted territories sexually — bringing another woman in bed with you and your man — could have a high risk and a reward. Right now, I would say the reward would most likely be with your boyfriend. As with most of us guys, it’s a pretty big fantasy of just about any XY chromosomes. We are men and we tend to be sexually greedy. Our emotions for some reason detach and we don’t get emotionally involved for the moment. Can you detach yourself emotionally for the moment and live out the real-life fantasy?
On the other hand, can you really share your boyfriend with another woman? Trust me, he’s going to be OK with sharing you with another woman. Will your inner self harbor ill feelings toward your boyfriend for “the experiment”?
Or perhaps you loved it and now he’s not so happy as you beg for another session with her, but not him.

Personally I’ve dated a lot — long-term, short-term, marriage. And I have “experimented” with bringing in another woman. It was a sexually satisfying experience for both … um, all three of us. Except for one time when one of us walked out in a jealous rage ending our then-relationship.
So Dorothy, I can’t tell you go ahead and have your menage a trois, but if you do it, set ground rules:

  • Make sure you tell him if you don’t want him to be with the other woman.
  • Never choose a co-worker. It’s awkward and there’s gossip.
  • Choose a friend. There’s a better chance of it going smoothly.
  • Get a bottle of wine. Maybe two.
  • Use protection.

— E-mail your relationship questions for John Bolaris to


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