Funky Brown Chick: “Help, my girlfriend hates oral!”
I’m a straight guy, 27 years old, and I am crazy about my girlfriend of two years. We have awesome chemistry, and for the most part, the sex is great. But she gets really uncomfortable when I go down on her, like she doesn’t trust that I am having fun—which I totally am! How can I help her open up to it?
Considering vaginal penetration is less likely to produce orgasms in women than clitoral stimulation, it is especially unfortunate that straight partners often prioritize it. I gather you already understand how important it is to pay attention more than one orifice for oh-so-amazing sexual pleasures. It sounds like you already understand that, and you want to reassure your girlfriend that you going downtown is a favorite on your shared sexual menu of choices.
It is not a coincidence that the word intercourse describes both sexual activity and interpersonal communication. You mention she “gets really uncomfortable,” and it’s “like” she doesn’t trust that you are having fun. That sounds very nonverbal.
It may be time for the two of you to have a talk. While speech is certainly not required to communicate every sexual desire, in this situation, it could help provide a bit more clarity for of you. Here’s my advice for puckering up for some real talk about eating your lover:
Put Her Ease
Be sure to explain to your girlfriend exactly why you enjoy going down on her. To reassure her that you’re a bona fide Downtown Dining Enthusiast, here are sample phrases to kickstart the conversation: “I really love the way you taste because ___” or “I want to know if I am pleasing you because _________.”
Up Your Game
Your girlfriend is only 50% of your relationship’s equation. If you’ve not yet explicitly asked her about your skills, how can we be 100% sure that she likes oral sex and just isn’t comfortable with the way you’re doing it? Don’t freak out on me. I truly believe you are a champion, my little carpet-munching soldier. I’m just saying education is a lifelong process, and one should never stop learning. A while back, my column helped a dude tell his lady how to do better going down, too. Enjoy similar tips below to up your game in the clit olympics.
We all have egos, right? Exposing our genitals to our lovers can sometimes leave us feeling, well, exposed and vulnerable. If you’ve already been together for two years, that tells me you’re a couple with some staying power. To make this relationship even more enjoyable, plunge deeper into sexual intimacy. Communicate about your needs and desires and explore sex together. Good luck, and please keep me posted.
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— Twanna A. Hines is an award–winning educator and sex columnist. She has contributed to CNN, NPR, Sirius, Lifetime, Mashable, Nerve, Fast Company magazine, CBC (Canadian National Radio), Paris Première (French television) and Al Jazeera. She’s online at FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, and you can follow her on Twitter @funkybrownchick.