The Royal Wedding: What are the worst self-written vows?

The Royal Wedding is tomorrow, and the news that everyone’s talking about is the possibility that Prince William and Kate Middleton have written their own vows! Now, not having read anything that Will or Kate has written, Metro is unsure if the vows will be any good — but they have to be better than these. Presenting: The Worst Vows Metro Has Seen (on the Internet)

The worst vows one blogger has heard, from AisleDash:

He went first, and he promised to love her (good), take care of her (fine), be the family breadwinner (what?), and provide a firm hand for their future children (seriously, what?! — he promised corporal punishment of their unborn misbehaving children in their wedding vows?). Ironically, she was and still is the primary moneymaker in their marriage. I guess that’s one vow already broken.

She went next. She promised to love, obey, greet him with a smile and a warm meal on the table at the end of his work day (this wedding was in 2004, not 1954), and carry his babies. The last is a fine thing to promise, if that’s what you want to do, but putting it into your wedding vows, the terms of which you will commit to one another, just seems misogynistic. I was trying so hard not to gag that I missed the last bit of their vows, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if the last piece mentioned that he could have her beheaded for not producing sons. 

Some horrible advice on vows one bride-to-be received, from The Knot:

"The worst wedding advice anyone has told me was to sing our vows to each other." Erin, Richmond, VA

Any of these "funny" wedding vows from Catalogs.com:

Minister: Will you take her as your wife? Will you love her all your life?

Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife, Yes, I’ll love her all my life.

Minister: Will you have, and also hold Just as you have at this time told?

Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold, Just as I have at this time told, Yes, I will love her all my life As I now take her as my wife.

Or these:

Officiant to Bride: Do you promise to love, honor, cook for, clean up after, surrender your share of the blanket to, live with the flatulence of, relinquish the remote to and with the toilet seat after until death do you part?

Officiant to Groom: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, and you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride. 

But on the plus side, nobody up there messed up as badly as poor Ross from "Friends":




News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

California passes 'yes-means-yes' campus sexual assault bill

Californian lawmakers passed a law on Thursday requiring universities to adopt "affirmative consent" language in their definitions of consensual sex, part of a nationwide drive to curb sexual assault on…

National

Syrian refugees top 3 million, half of all…

By Stephanie NebehayGENEVA (Reuters) - Three million Syrian refugees will have registered in neighboring countries as of Friday, but many remain trapped by the advance…

International

North Korean leader's money manager defects in Russia:…

A senior North Korean banking official who managed money for leader Kim Jong Un has defected in Russia and was seeking asylum in a third country, a South Korean newspaper…

Local

MAP: New York City Street Closures August 29,…

The Department of Transportation and NYPD said there may be residual delays near all of the street closures on August 29, 31 and 31. Several streets and avenues will be…

Going Out

'Friends' coffeehouse Central Perk coming to NYC —…

"Friends" is coming back for a one-off special: "The One with the Free Coffee." Warner Bros. is bringing a pop-up replica of Central Perk, the…

Movies

Interview: 'As Above, So Below' directors: 5 ways…

The fraternal directors of the found footage horror "As Above, So Below" dish on the best ways to frighten the bejesus out of audiences.

Movies

Criterion's new Jacques Demy box mixes the light…

Jacques Demy, the most effervescent of French New Wave filmmakers, gets a Criterion box all to himself, with classics like "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg."

Entertainment

Comedian Joan Rivers, 81, rushed to New York…

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Acerbic comedian and fashion critic Joan Rivers was rushed to Mount Sinai Hospital in New York on Thursday after she reportedly…

NFL

3 things we learned in the Giants preseason…

The final score didn’t matter — a 16-13 win by the Giants — but it would’ve been nice to finally see Big Blue’s new-look offense get on track.

NFL

NFL Power Rankings: Seahawks, Broncos, Patriots, 49ers start…

NFL Power Rankings: Seahawks, Broncos, Patriots start at top

U.S. Soccer

5 facts about new England captain Wayne Rooney

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney was named as the new England captain by coach Roy Hodgson on Thursday.

NFL

Jets vs. Eagles: 3 things to watch

A win on Thursday night at the Eagles would give the Jets a 3-1 record and just their second winning preseason under head coach Rex Ryan.

Style

Trend: White hot on the 2014 Emmy's red…

White was one of the big trends on the Emmy's red carpet.

Food

Recipe: Samuel Adams beer-marinated grilled shrimp

Summer calls for two things: a cold beer and light food. Sam Adams' Latitude 48 IPA fairly bursts with citrus notes, making it an ideal marinade…

Wellbeing

4 healthy ingredient swaps to make your meals…

When it comes to eating well, everyone knows they could be doing better. But cooking in an apartment on a busy schedule is a recipe…

Wellbeing

Heart trumps brain when it comes to movies…

When you need a good cry, do you reach for the movie that’s “based on a true story”? Science says you’re giving your brain far…