Does it matter who initiates sex?

Martinez and Berry

Recently engaged Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez are still in the midst of their romance, so the question of who makes the first move toward sex is probably a nonissue for now. But give it a little time. Sometimes all it takes is one rejection for people to start keeping score of who initiated and when. The big question is, how much does it matter?

For many people, that first overture toward intimacy holds a lot of meaning because it is proof of your partner’s love and your desirability. When that person don’t make a move, it can leave you feeling unwanted and asking: Is it me? Because this could lead to your getting angry or sensitive, you might decide to hold back from initiating making love yourself. Before you know it, you can be in a sexual standoff.

Don’t take it personally. There are many possible reasons your partner isn’t in the mood that have absolutely nothing to do with you: Maybe he or she had a hard day at work; maybe he or she is feeling pressure from a family member, whether it is a young child or an elderly parent; maybe he or she really does have a headache. And don’t forget about that heavy dinner you just had. If you want some clarity, be direct and ask your partner if something is bothering him or her.

It is most important to be true to yourself and your own desires. Even if your partner doesn’t appear interested, it is always worth reaching out. You can still be in the mood even if you partner isn’t — sometimes one person’s desire can ignite another’s. Even if sparks don’t fly that night, take it as an opportunity to plan another time for a sexual romp — tomorrow morning, perhaps? And keep in mind that it does not mean your lover doesn’t want to do it with you ever — just not that night. If you can toughen your emotional skin, you can better enjoy the skin you’re in.

Sex is a give and take. If you are open to sharing the role of who makes it happen, you are likely to have much more sexual intimacy in your relationship — no matter how long you’ve been together. 

– Relationship expert Dr. Jane Greer is the creator of “Shrink Wrap” – national commentary on what we can learn from celebrity relationships – and host of “Let’s Talk Sex” at Healthylife.net. Her book, “What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship,” is available nationwide.

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.


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