Casual sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

“So I guess that’s a no for brunch later?”

As babies, when we see strangers we get scared and cling to our mommies. As toddlers, we’re told not to talk to strangers or (God forbid) take their candy. And now, as adults, we think we should be able to sleep with one we meet at a bar and feel OK about it the next day. But if we’re honest with ourselves, having sex with someone you barely know is just kinda gross.

For my latest book — “Are All Guys Assholes?” — I traveled around the country talking to guys about (among other things) casual sex. Overwhelmingly, they described it as unsatisfying, disappointing and something that left them feeling empty. The men and women I coach now echo the same feelings. And yet, in moments of weakness while longing for human connection, many continue to do it.   

The truth is, the physical act of sex is pretty unappealing. At the time, sex feels sexy because it’s more than the physical act; you’re mixing in romantic feelings and arousal. The romantic feelings are important here — they’re the things that cloud your judgment in the most wonderful way so that you think that when the object of your affection burps, farts or snots all over themselves it’s “cute.” Take out the romantic feelings (because you can’t have them for someone you barely know) and take out the arousal (which ends after an orgasm) and you’re left with simply the act of sex and a strange sweaty body — not the human connection that probably motivated you in the first place.

The point of this article isn’t to be judgmental, make you feel guilty or ruin your plans for tonight. It’s to encourage you to pursue the types of relationships — sexual or otherwise — that make you feel good. When you’re young, single and living in a city there is so much pressure to be living your “glory days” to the fullest. But sometimes our idea of “fun” doesn’t translate to actually being fun, and we owe it to ourselves to recognize the difference.

— Amber Madison is a Manhattan-based relationship expert and dating coach. She is the author of “Are All Guys Assholes?” for which she traveled the country, spoke to over 1,000 men and discovered that the answer to this question is no. You can follow her on Twitter @ambermadi or online at www.ambermadisononline.com


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

Florida man charged with murdering son to play…

A Florida man annoyed that his 16-month-old crying son was preventing him from playing video games suffocated the toddler, police said on Friday.

International

Powerful 7.2 magnitude earthquake rattles Mexico

A powerful earthquake struck Mexico Friday, shaking buildings and sending people running into the street, although there were no reports of major damage.

News

OMG! Exercise can make skin (and butt) look…

A moderate exercise regime can turn back time and actually reverse the skin's aging process, according to new research. The study showed that a minimum…

International

Jews in eastern Ukraine ordered to register, Kerry…

Secretary of State John Kerry condemned reports that Jews in eastern Ukraine had been ordered to register with the authorities "or suffer the consequences."

Entertainment

Whoopi Goldberg makes her debut as marijuana columnist

"It helps my head stop hurting, and with glaucoma your eyes ache, and she takes the ache out. It's wonderful," she said.

The Word

Kate Middleton made fun of Prince William's bald…

Kate Middleton and Prince William are in Sydney, Australia, right now, and it sounds like that brash Aussie sense of humor might be rubbing off.

The Word

Is Tom Cruise dating Laura Prepon?

"Mission: Impossible" star Cruise is said to be dating Laura Prepon, star of "Orange is the New Black."

Television

'Scandal' recap: Season 3, Episode 18, 'The Price…

Sally is Jesus, Olivia caused global warming, and Mellie's still drunk. Let's recap the Scandal finale. A church full of Washington insiders is about to…

NBA

Deron Williams leads Nets over Raptors in Game…

The Nets traveled to a raucous Air Canada Centre but came out with an important Game 1 victory over the Raptors.

NBA

Carmelo Anthony agonizing over Knicks future as season…

There’s still the cloud hanging over the franchise’s head as to the pending free-agent status of All-Star forward Carmelo Anthony.

NFL

Jets host players with eye toward NFL Draft

The Jets hosted a number of NFL Draft hopefuls for workouts on Thursday, with an eye toward some under-the-radar players.

NFL

Chris Johnson: I wanted to go to 'a…

Now that Chris Johnson is a Jet, the team has to figure out if one of the most explosive players in the NFL over the last half decade has anything…

Tech

VIDEO: 'Vein-scanning' may become the future of paying

Designed to make transactions quicker and easier, the technology works by scanning the unique vein patterns in each person's palm.

Tech

#FollowFriday: 10 of the smartest Twitter accounts

Spending lots of time on Twitter? You might as well learn something. Here are some of the smartest accounts to follow.

Style

Light-up nail art syncs with phone

This Japanese technology syncs light-up nail art with your phone.

Wellbeing

Why is dance cardio taking off in NYC?

Instructors at some of the city's hottest classes explain why.