‘Spice things up?’ That’s BS

I hate the term “spice things up” — as in, “Hey, love, let’s spice things up!”?— with its simplistic implication that a finger vibrator and a scented candle can relight a sexual flame that has been extinguished by stress, boredom, anger and over-exposure.

When two people get to the point where they can’t be bothered to engage in an activity that was once the highlight of their day, they need more than a back rub to turn them on. Often, the only way that a couple can reconnect in the bedroom is to get the hell out of there. Literally.

Whether they pack a picnic, take a hike and make out in the mountains or meet in a hotel room at noon for hasty sex and lunch from the minibar, the key to keeping sex exciting is changing the script.

When psychologists Arthur and Elaine N. Aron of Stony Brook University carried out a study measuring what happened when couples were asked to participate in “novel and arousing activities” together, they found that participating in “exciting” tasks had a significantly positive impact on their relationship satisfaction.

Aron makes the point that spending time together isn’t enough. You have to change the routine, so for example, “going out to dinner at the same restaurant won’t be as beneficial as eating out somewhere new every time.” The same rules apply to sex. After 10 years, the same recipe week in, week out, is bound to become less appetizing — and yes, different techniques can help, but realistically, there are a limited number of orifices and not everyone is prepared to wear a gimp hood.

The illusion that sex should be spontaneous is also detrimental. When two people are working 50 hours a week and they need to eat, sleep, work out and remain on speaking terms with family and friends, spontaneous sex simply doesn’t happen.

All couples, whether they have been married for five minutes or 15 years, owe it to themselves to have a rational, unemotional discussion about how much sex they can reasonably expect to have, based on both their commitments and their existing sexual frequency. The unanticipated upside to doing something as unsexy as blocking sex time out in a diary is the exponential increase in sexual anticipation. And since expectation influences outcome, knowing that your next sex date involves a limo, a privacy screen and a tour of the one you love pretty much guarantees a happy ending.

–Suzi Godson is editor of Moresexdaily.com and author of “The Sex Book.”

Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages. Opposing viewpoints are welcome. Send 300-word submissions to letters@metro.us.


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
National

Florida man charged with murdering son to play…

A Florida man annoyed that his 16-month-old crying son was preventing him from playing video games suffocated the toddler, police said on Friday.

International

Powerful 7.2 magnitude earthquake rattles Mexico

A powerful earthquake struck Mexico Friday, shaking buildings and sending people running into the street, although there were no reports of major damage.

News

OMG! Exercise can make skin (and butt) look…

A moderate exercise regime can turn back time and actually reverse the skin's aging process, according to new research. The study showed that a minimum…

International

Jews in eastern Ukraine ordered to register, Kerry…

Secretary of State John Kerry condemned reports that Jews in eastern Ukraine had been ordered to register with the authorities "or suffer the consequences."

Entertainment

Whoopi Goldberg makes her debut as marijuana columnist

"It helps my head stop hurting, and with glaucoma your eyes ache, and she takes the ache out. It's wonderful," she said.

The Word

Kate Middleton made fun of Prince William's bald…

Kate Middleton and Prince William are in Sydney, Australia, right now, and it sounds like that brash Aussie sense of humor might be rubbing off.

The Word

Is Tom Cruise dating Laura Prepon?

"Mission: Impossible" star Cruise is said to be dating Laura Prepon, star of "Orange is the New Black."

Television

'Scandal' recap: Season 3, Episode 18, 'The Price…

Sally is Jesus, Olivia caused global warming, and Mellie's still drunk. Let's recap the Scandal finale. A church full of Washington insiders is about to…

NBA

Deron Williams leads Nets over Raptors in Game…

The Nets traveled to a raucous Air Canada Centre but came out with an important Game 1 victory over the Raptors.

NBA

Carmelo Anthony agonizing over Knicks future as season…

There’s still the cloud hanging over the franchise’s head as to the pending free-agent status of All-Star forward Carmelo Anthony.

NFL

Jets host players with eye toward NFL Draft

The Jets hosted a number of NFL Draft hopefuls for workouts on Thursday, with an eye toward some under-the-radar players.

NFL

Chris Johnson: I wanted to go to 'a…

Now that Chris Johnson is a Jet, the team has to figure out if one of the most explosive players in the NFL over the last half decade has anything…

Tech

VIDEO: 'Vein-scanning' may become the future of paying

Designed to make transactions quicker and easier, the technology works by scanning the unique vein patterns in each person's palm.

Tech

#FollowFriday: 10 of the smartest Twitter accounts

Spending lots of time on Twitter? You might as well learn something. Here are some of the smartest accounts to follow.

Style

Light-up nail art syncs with phone

This Japanese technology syncs light-up nail art with your phone.

Wellbeing

Why is dance cardio taking off in NYC?

Instructors at some of the city's hottest classes explain why.