Mark Thompson: West Virginia man goes on oddest crime spree possible
Besides Osama bin Laden, the man having the worst week this week is undoubtedly West Virginia’s own Mark Thompson.
If you are unaware of the tale, Thompson, 19, has been charged with animal cruelty after stealing a goat, and — you know, let’s let the Charleston Gazette take it from here:
[Joshua] Pollis and two women walked into Thompson’s house looking for the goat, according to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court.
The three entered the house and made their way to Thompson’s bedroom door when Thompson spoke to them, Powers said.
"He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,’" Powers said. "But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene."
Thompson ran out the front door when Pollis asked him about the dead goat in his room, according to the complaint.
Thompson’s actual excuse is that he was high on bath salts, which: what? Here are some better excuses, for you to use the next time you are caught killing a goat and wearing women’s clothing:
»"Don’t worry, I’m just preparing for another ‘Psycho’ remake!"
»"The goat said something mean about my mother. And the women’s clothing? …Don’t worry about it."
»"Listen, there was a complicated voodoo curse that could only be broken
by a woman killing a goat. I didn’t have any women around, so I had to
take matters into my own hands."
»"The goat and I were just rehearsing for a dinner-theater version of ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’ Things got out of hand."
»"This dress is my critique of America’s dominant hetero-normative paradigm. Also, I really hate goats."