Culture bracket: Chubby champ

We figured out why you love March so much. It’s not the basketball, it’s the brackets. We’ve come up with the ultimate sports and pop culture tournament. Sure, it’s a bit random, but it’s also a bit awesome. Here’s a breakdown of some key matchups:

Bully vs. badger

If you’re not familiar with the honey badger, check out the video. It is the baddest small animal on the planet. A cross between a weasel, skunk and rat, it appears indestructible. However, it just doesn’t top the viral video of Casey Heynes, a 16-year-old Australian kid who was tired of being picked on at school. The heavyweight hero body slams the fool bullying him.

Nantz vs. Johnson

Jim Nantz has called the Final Four since 1996. He’s a very good announcer, though sports fans often fault him for being too canned, boring and schmaltzy. The opposite is true of Gus Johnson, whose last-minute calls are the stuff of legends. Buckets! Why can’t Gus call the Final Four?

Model citizen

Here’s Kate Upton’s tourney run:
3 vs. 14: Never thought we’d brush aside Brooklyn Decker.
3 vs. 6: Charlie Sheen wishes he could grab a goddess like Upton.
3 vs. 12: Fun fact: She was born in 1992 — less than three months after “The Shot” by Christian Laettner.

Final Four

8 vs. 12: Can you believe Laettner spent 13 years in the NBA? That’s shocking. But not as shocking as the bully video!
3 vs. 15: Just imagine Gus’ call while flipping through the SI Swimsuit edition. “Rise and fire!”
8 vs. 3: In an upset along the lines of  Daniel LaRusso taking down Johnny Lawrence, the chubby kid squeaks out a victory over the 2012 SI Swimsuit cover girl.

—Jason Raj McIntyre covers athletes off the field and runs the popular
blog, www.TheBigLead.com

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