Survival of the kindest

If Canada is known for one thing, it’s a history of excellent game shows.

That’s why the creators of Survivor, which is currently airing its 24th season, decided the 25th anniversary season would be filmed in its most treacherous location ever! Here’s the transcript.

SURVIVOR: CANADA!

(A beaver growls. The McKenzie brothers chant.)

Bob and Doug: Koo-loo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koooo!

Host Jeff Probst: Welcome. For the next two months, a group of American strangers will be stranded … here … in “Canada” — a Grizzly-infested peninsula somewhere north of Minnesota. Let’s meet our castaways. First — Jimmy, a retired military officer who’s about to snap.

Jimmy: You’ll all be sorry! The camera crews can’t protect you forever!

Probst: Amanda, an exotic dancer known for her enormous wits.

Amanda: My cousin Mary lives here. Do you know her?

Probst: Agnes, a sweet old woman who will be eaten alive by the other contestants, perhaps literally.

Agnes: Let’s all play fair.

Probst: And Vance, who inexplicably believes this show makes him a star.

Vance: Hey, America! How you doin’?

Probst: The contestants will be split into groups whose names reflect the local culture: Team Toque and Team Chesterfield. The first competition is a Great Canadian Challenge: Castaways must get their frostbite treated through Medicare. And go!

(The contestants stand in line for three months.)

Probst: Oooh, time’s up. I’m afraid nobody wins immunity. And now let’s watch as contestants have some introspective time alone with a camera crew and 13 million viewers.

Vance: Everything’s good. If I lose, I can get my break in Canadian cinema. That exists, right?

Amanda: It’s weird here. Canada’s like a whole other country, you know?

Agnes: Everyone’s been so nice. Even those squeegee kids who stole our things were very polite.

Jimmy: You took my gun! What kind of place is this?

Probst: It’s time for Tribal Council! The results have been counted and, in true Canadian fashion, only one of you voted! Agnes is eliminated. 

Agnes: I voted myself off. You all deserve it more.

Probst: Because this is Canada, the tribe must form a subcommittee that will report back on what went wrong for Agnes. Also, Agnes has the right to a lengthy appeals process. The tribe has spoken, Agnes. You can’t win the appliances.

Vance: Appliances? What about the million dollars?

Probst: No, sorry, the prize is a lovely Whirlpool washer and dryer, making it the largest award ever on a Canadian game show! That’s all for this week. Join us next time, when our castaways face their toughest challenge: One hour with Nickelback! Who will survive?

All: We quit.

Probst: It’s still better than Bumper Stumpers.




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