If you’ve been around Philly long enough, Doogie Horner has probably made you laugh. Perhaps, over the years, you caught him at an open mic night. Or maybe you picked up one of his books and thought,  “Flowcharts — who the hell knew?” Someone has probably sent you that clip from “America’s Got Talent” where he turned an ill-fated standup routine into an impromptu attack on the audience. (It worked: He went from a guaranteed goner to a fan favorite in seconds.)

But if, somehow, your paths haven’t crossed yet, here’s all you need to know: Doogie Horner is hilarious — so hilarious that we forgive him for moving to New York — and he’s back in town Wednesday to record his new comedy album, “A Delicate Man.” We took the opportunity to dust off ye olde Proust Questionnaire and get his thoughts on movie marathons, drunk bros and game-changing waterfront development.

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What is your current state of mind?

Happy. My new book, “Some Very Interesting Cats,” just came out, and I’m looking forward to recording my album at Helium. Also my wife and I have a baby arriving on December 23, assuming Amazon doesn’t screw up our order.

What is your idea of perfect happiness in Philly?

Sitting through the 24-hour horror movie marathon that Exhumed Films runs every year at the International House theater. It’s tough staying awake that long, though. This year I slept through part of “Piranha 2.”

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery in Philly?

Northern Liberties on a Saturday night. Packs of drunk bros in identical untucked dress shirts, girls teetering on high heels, their purses clinking because they’re full of airline bottles of Grey Goose. That neighborhood used to be nice! The perfect level of gentrification only lasts for a couple years, when the artists have moved in but the real estate developers haven’t. 

Which Philadelphian, living, dead or otherwise, do you most admire?

The Legendary Wid. He was the first comedian I ever saw live. He’s so original, he does all these prop puns, and he moves so quickly. He can tell 10 jokes in one minute. Also Fergie, owner of  Fergie’s Pub. He’s a great patron of the arts and his hair is beautiful.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I wish I wasn’t so handsome, because it makes it hard for people to take me seriously as a comedian.

If you could change one thing about Philadelphia, what would it be?

I feel like an idiot not taking advantage of this opportunity to fix the crack in the Liberty Bell, but I think if I could just change one thing, I’d like to fill the Schuylkill River with cheese.


If you go:

Doogie Horner is recording a comedy album, "A Delicate Man," Wednesday, November 18, 8 p..m, at Helium Comedy Club (2031 Sansom St., 215-496-9001). Tickets are $15-$23 at Heliumcomedy.com.

Second chance: Horner will be back in Philly talking about “Very Interesting Cats” at  Brickbat Books (709 S. Fourth St.) on December 11 at 7 p.m.


3 more must-see shows:

Judah Friedlander
December 2-5, Helium Comedy Club
You know him as the guy from “30 Rock” with the hats. But when he’s not grossing out Liz Lemon, Friedlander is a wickedly funny standup. 

Clint Coley
December 20, TLA
Although he calls Los Angeles home these days, Coley got his start in Philly with his popular “Chill, It’s Just Jokes” series at Helium. Catch him on home turf next month.

Kevin Hart
December 31, Boardwalk Hall, Atlantic City
We’re pretty sure Kevin Hart doesn’t sleep at this point. The Philly native is bringing his “What Now?” tour through Atlantic City on New Year’s Eve, conveniently.