After Kristen Stewart cheating, how should Robert Pattinson re-brand himself?

Someone should make this film.

In the narrative arc of any romantic comedy, Robert Pattinson’s life right now would be entering the beginning of its second act: Left broken and alone because of infidelity, our hero strives to grow stronger and re-invent himself.

So, after Netflixing “Bridget Jones,” how should Robert Pattinson re-invent himself? We’ve got some ideas:

A new nickname: “R-Patz” is so 2008. He needs something younger and fresher. We suggest “Bobby B,” preferably said while pointing to himself with two thumbs.

New friends: You know the drill. When you break up with a long-term SO, your friend options are cut basically in half. So, who should he start partying with? We suggest burying the hatchet with Andrew Garfield, and hanging with him and Emma Stone. If there’s one thing we know about couples, it’s that they love helping their single friends through a break-up. (Love it too much, in fact!)

A new career path: Pattinson didn’t want to be Edward Cullen forever, but now it’s a sure bet he wants to sever his ties to the franchise completely. So no “50 Shades of Grey” follow-up, and no string of forgettable indie movies: It’s time to put “Twilight” firmly in the rearview mirror, and you know what that means?

Time to put on the tights.

A tentpole superhero franchise would be the single-best thing for Pattinson’s post-vampire career. After the genre explosion of the past few years, who’s left? We looked at this handy list, and came to one conclusion. Robert Pattinson needs to play Aquaman.


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