The Word: This viewer’s biggest WTFs of the 2013 VMAs

Now that I’ve had a full day to let the clusterf— that was this year’s VMAs sink in (and to recover from the 12-hour hangover brought on by the magnum bottle of wine required to get through the thing), I have some questions. So many questions (not the least of which is why they still carry on with this charade at all — next year let’s just have a Best Knocked Up Teen Baby Bump Awards and call it a day).

Wherefore art thou Biebs?

And here’s the first question: Where was Justin Bieber?! I can’t be the only one who thought his dopey, overly coiffed absence was conspicuous. You guys, I DO NOT THINK HE WAS INVITED. I think that Justin Bieber’s 2013 Video Music Awards invitation was “lost in the mail.”

My God, if this isn’t the swiftest fall from grace since Lindsay Lohan nosedived her career into a big pile of cocaine and regret, I don’t know what is. Wasn’t the little tyke the unofficial star of last year’s show? I repeat: I do not think that Justin Bieber was present at or even invited to this year’s VMAs.

If he was, you wouldn’t know it from MTV’s coverage of the debacle, which was apparently expressly designed to give viewers alternate play-by-plays of exactly what Will Smith’s family and Taylor Swift made of the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad about this. Moderately amused, at best. But if, as I suspect (hope), the Biebs was really not at the VMAs, I wonder what he spent Sunday night doing instead. I personally like to imagine that he watched an edited tape of the show his camp had doctored to feature clips of his old performances, in his coziest underoos from atop a throne made of Twizzlers and soiled tube socks. But that’s my issue.

‘NSYNC reu…oh.

I suspect that I’m not of the popular opinion here, but WTF was up with that “reunion?” That was not a reunion, that was a travesty.

I cried into my giant goblet of merlot a little bit, thinking about Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone trying on their suits in the semi-wide trailer they now share, practicing the old dance moves and regaling each other with stories of how bright the future is looking now that the old gang is getting back together. So bright they’ll need shades, I bet they said, chuckling.

And then… that “reunion” happened. Timberlake let them out of their crates for, what, maybe 30 seconds? Just enough time for JC to sneak in a warbly “ohhh baby” for old time’s sake, before those poor suckers were ushered offstage and back into obscurity so Justin could get back to work forgetting they existed. For chrissakes, at least Beyonce let Michelle and Kelly sing a whole song before she shut them down again.

And then, later, there’s Timberlake accepting his big shiny award “on behalf of all of them.” Gesturing vaguely off stage, where the four of them were being stripped of their rented suits or whatever while the valet handed them back the keys to their used Kias. Waxing on about he couldn’t have done it without them, when we all know what he really meant was that he could not have continued to do it with them. Oh man, I’m sort of crying right now.

T. Swift throws major shade

I really don’t want to give Taylor Swift any more press than she’s already gobbling up (though she does need the sustenance, sister is skiiiiinny) but deference must be paid to the best moment caught on camera at the 2013 VMAs. And that includes Drake desperately trying to mentally transport himself somewhere else — anywhere else — during Miley’s twerk-pocalypse AND the Smith family’s communal reaction to, well, everything.

I’m talking about Tay Sway not-so-discreetly telling ex-boyfriend and current male pop tart du jour Harry Styles to kindly STFU, of course.

You’ve all seen it by now (and if you haven’t I suggest you stop reading this and go Google it. Or look at that big GIF up at the top of this post). While Styles yaps on about Yeezus-knows-what (JK, I doubt he was listening either), Swift turns to Selena Gomez (I think. All these kids look the same to me) and says what cannot be lip read as anything but “shut the f— up.”

I never thought the day would come that I would agree with anything that fell from the mouth of this particular babe so, you know, that was a thing.

But, srsly, who invited Kevin Hart?

More specifically, why do people continue to invite Kevin Hart to anything, or perpetuate the ill-advised myth that this man is a comedian?

Kevin Hart is not funny. A grown man screaming vaguely offensive strings of words that are definitely not jokes into a vacuum of mild horror and not-so-mild awkward silence isn’t funny. It’s awkward.

I’m going to go on record and say that Kevin Hart’s inclusion in any big event is a bigger buzzkill than your mom popping into your bedroom mid-coitus and offering up her personal stash of sex toys and instructional video tapes. Comedically speaking.

At one point I think he said something about putting his face near Gaga’s butt? I’m not sure because I was too busy humming “We Can’t Stop” as loud as I could and wishing for death.

Let’s stop having Kevin Hart do things, is my point.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Girl, 10, dies after being pulled from water…

A 10-year-old girl died after being pulled from the waters off Coney Island Beach in Brooklyn on Tuesday night, police said.

News

NY judge throws out lawsuit by Empire State…

A New York state judge has thrown out a lawsuit in which longtime investors in the Empire State Building claimed they were shortchanged out of hundreds of millions of dollars…

Local

Mysterious white flags appear over Brooklyn Bridge

Two white flags mysteriously appeared over the towers of the Brooklyn Bridge yesterday in place of the American flags that are a traditional fixture.

National

Judge sets January start for murder trial of…

By Elizabeth BarberBOSTON (Reuters) - Former New England Patriots player Aaron Hernandez will be tried in January for the murder of semi-professional football player Odin…

Television

'Pretty Little Liars' recap: Season 5, Episode 7,…

Drunk girls and ghost brownies: here’s your weekly ‘Pretty Little Liars’ recap by way of Q&A. Q: do they really not check for feet under…

Arts

Don't miss 'Charles James: Beyond Fashion' at the…

Have you been meaning to see "Charles James: Beyond Fashion"? There are only two weeks left to get to the Met and catch this amazing American fashion designer's collection.

Television

Zac Posen talks 'Project Runway' and what it…

We talked to Zac Posen, judge and designer extraordinaire, about the new season of "Project Runway" and what keeps him coming back after three seasons.

Television

'Face Off' contestant David 'DOC' O'Connell sounds off…

David "DOC" O'Connell tells us about getting cast on Season 7 of Syfy's "Face Off," premiering tonight at 9.

NFL

David Tyree hiring has gay rights advocates angry

Former Giants Super Bowl hero David Tyree will re-join the franchise as its new director of player development.

NFL

Ben McAdoo's new offense has Giants excited to…

Even Tom Coughlin feels he has a lot to learn about offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo’s new offense, which makes the veteran coach very excited.

MLB

MLB Power Rankings: A's, Angels, Dodgers, Brewers lead…

MLB Power Rankings: A's, Angels, Dodgers, Brewers lead pack

NFL

2014 NFL season betting odds: Which team will…

2014 NFL season betting odds: Which team will win Super Bowl?

Tech

Learn Braille with these gloves

U.S. scientists have designed high-tech gloves to help users understand Braille in a matter of minutes.

Home

5 New Ikea products that will change your…

We round-up the latest must-have products.

Food

Recipe: Wolfgang Puck's Buttermilk French Toast

We recently spent some time chatting with restauranteur/celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck at his Wolfgang Puck American Grille in the Borgata in Atlantic City. Puck wanted…

Style

Go retro with your sneakers

The best of wacky new sneakers.