The Word: What’s going on at ‘The View’?

I often mistake “The View” for “The Chew,” and sometimes even “The Talk,” but regardless, I was a bit surprised when Joy Behar announced her resignation from the ABC morning show last week — homegirl’s been there since the beginning. And then, like your little sister who just couldn’t stand it when you got all the attention, Elisabeth Hassel-a-hack came out and was like, “Oh yeah? Well I’m leaving too! Hmph!” In the corner, Joy Behar cried out “No fair!” to no one in particular. But it was too late. Our interest had been piqued. No longer was this a story about replacing Behar, a middle-aged woman whose voice reminds me of Gilbert Gottfried on a good day. No, now, it’s about beautiful, blonde, conservative Elisabeth, too. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
So who should fill each lady’s seat at the table? For Elisabeth, I nominate Ann Coulter: A healthy dose of conservative energy draped in a long blonde wig. For Behar, how about a cockatoo? It would probably be just as entertaining, and the hairstylist would still get to keep his job.

Don’t worry about Rainbow Aurora, OK?
For anyone who wanted to burrow a hole in the ground and stay there forever upon hearing that Playboy bunny Holly Madison had named her first child, born Tuesday, Rainbow Aurora, fear not! The new mom has taken to her blog to defend her daughter’s shiny new moniker. “I’m not worried about my daughter being ‘traumatized’ by having an unusual name,” she writes, because the name was inspired by a former classmate of hers, who “was a perfectly normal, well-adjusted, sporty girl.”
This is coming from a woman who thought it would be a good idea to have sex with Hugh Hefner, so clearly her head is in the right place. We know pregnancy brain makes you sometimes lose things, but we didn’t think sanity was one of them.

TALKING POINTS

SJP’s toe woes
Sarah Jessica Parker has suffered plenty for fashion — and she has the doctor’s bills to prove it. The “Sex and the City” star, known for wearing pricey sky-high heels, claims going more down-market for footwear ruined her feet. “I did ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’ and I was very thoughtful about my whole wardrobe and said, you know [my character] could not afford really good shoes, she would go to Nine West or Aldo,” she tells Net-A-Porter. “So I got shoes from there and the bottom of the shoes aren’t leather, they are plastic, so I slipped a couple times, twisted my ankle. I went to a foot doctor and he said, ‘Your foot does things it shouldn’t be able to do. That bone there… you’ve created that bone. It doesn’t belong there. It’s sad because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, ‘You know what? We are really tired. Can you just stop? And don’t put cheap shoes on us.’”

Affleck’s marriage fine, thanks for asking
While OK! Magazine claims the stress of awards season may be causing tension between Ben Affleck and wife Jennifer Garner, the “Argo” director says like post-Oscars has been a great time for them. “I’ve been able to really just enjoy my good fortune in the last couple of weeks and sit back and kind of just take it in and not do anything, just eat ice cream on the couch,” Affleck says, according to E! News. “It’s been a really nice time to hang out with my wife and that sort of thing, so we’re just enjoying it.”

Price check: Hewitt’s boobs
Jennifer Love Hewitt can apparently put a price on her breasts, at least when it comes to the idea of insuring them as valuable assets. “I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million,’ I’d be like, do it. Love it! Why not?” she tells USA Today. “These things right here are worth $5 million.”

Does this mean old Rose won’t be there either?
When the Titanic II, an exact replica of the famous doomed ship, sets sail on the Titanic’s original route in 2016, don’t expect to see Billy Zane or his family on board. “I’m not sure that I’d care to risk it. I’m sure I’ll get an invitation, though,” the “Titanic” star tells People magazine. “I don’t know if people would really want me on board.”

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DAILY TWITTER UPDATE: March 12, 2013

Checking in with some of Hollywood’s biggest names to see what they’ve been up to — in their own words, in 140 characters or fewer.

Today, Jonah Hill is thinking about the future, Emma Bunton is mystified, Marlon Wayans is hitting the road and Albert Brooks thinks his neighbor is pretty influential.

@JonahHill
In 50 yrs, a bunch of 80 yr-olds will know all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

@EmmaBunton
Why are pirates called pirates????

@MARLONLWAYANS
I’m thinking of touring BRAZIL ARGENTINA and URUGUAY end of the year

@AlbertBrooks
My neighbor is using his fireplace or he just elected the pope.