The following conversation (between Eagles head coach Chip Kelly and owner Jeffrey Lurie) will never take place:

“Hello Jeff? Hey, it’s Chip. Listen, we’re at the airport, heading to Detroit. I wanted to call to apologize. So . . .

“Listen, it’s on me. All of it. I’ll never say that publicly, but I have to be honest because you’re the guy paying me $6.5 million a year. I talk about culture over X’s and O’s. Well, that’s a lot of hooey, isn’t it? Culture is what comes from wins, and we’ve only got five on those in the last 14 games.

“And scheme? People tagged me as innovative, Jeff. Fooled them, eh? I seemed a creative genius when I was whipping Washington State. I have to admit, I didn’t count on these NFL types figuring out my quick-pace offense so soon. After that? Well, to be candid, I’ve got no Plan B here, so . . .

“I guess coaching college kids was easier. I never got attitude from them. Now I’ve got Sanchez sniping at Sproles, and other guys ripping DeMarco for that scaredy-cat hook slide against Miami. Finger pointing. Huh? What’s that you say, Jeff? I did the same by calling out Billy Davis and the defense Sunday? Hmm, maybe you have a point.

“Listen, I appreciate that you let me push Howie aside on New Year’s Day. That little guy drove me nuts. Turns out, this player evaluation thing is tougher than I expected.

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“Foles for Bradford looks like a wash. Neither is going to be your Super Bowl QB. And, well, you’re right, Jeff, I did spend an extra $13 million on Bradford that could have kept Jeremy Maclin around. Not to mention that 2nd-round pick we gave St. Louis. We could have used that next year to improve this O line that I’ve let go to seed, eh?

“Kiko Alonso? Well, he sure played well for me back at Oregon. Yeah, he was dreadful Sunday. Made one tackle, as that Doug Martin ran right over him. In hindsight, I might have screwed up by giving away Shady for that guy. 

“Well, at least we didn’t have to give anyone up to get Byron Maxwell and Miles Austin. Just your money. Heh, heh. Wait, you’re not laughing.

“We can talk about the draft another time. We’re all thrilled with Jordan Hicks, right? What’s that? The first two rounds? Well, Nelson Agholor and, uh, Eric Rowe, and . . .  hey, the reception is getting a little fuzzy here. Let’s change the topic. So . . . 

“Look, Jeff, I just want you to know I'm not about to quit on you for USC or any other college job. I’m an Eagle for life. Or at least the next two years at $13 million.

“Ok, listen. It’s almost time to board the plane. Man, this confessional makes me feel so much better. Thanks for listening, Jeff. They’re handing me a boarding pass. Wait a second – one way? A one-way ticket? What’s that about?

“Hello? Hello, Jeff?”