No more drama: The leftover blame game

Keeping your left over toxic feelings alive will only poison your next relationship.
Keeping your left over toxic feelings alive will only poison your next relationship.

I broke up with my boyfriend last year and then got involved with my current boyfriend. I don’t have contact with my ex, but I hold a grudge against him and get angry when I think about him. It affects my current relationship because I blame my new guy for issues related to my ex. How can I move on for good?

It’s not surprising that the person with whom you spent three years of your life is still on your mind a year later. He’s someone you likely confided in and shared a life with — someone with whom you thought you had a future. I can only speculate that you moved from one relationship to the next far too quickly. When a relationship ends, time is needed to grieve, reflect and process so that issues don’t go unresolved and spill into the next one. Clearly, this is what’s happening with you.

To get over your ex and find closure, take responsibility for your actions. Ask yourself: “How has my behavior and attitude impacted us? If I could go back and do it again, what would I change about myself?” Now is the time to own up to these things.

As long as you continue to view the relationship through an old lens, you’ll continue to be held hostage by the past. The issue here is one of control: A grudge leads to anger and resentment that energizes you, giving the illusion of control. The grudge may also be a way of holding your ex responsible for the downfall of the relationship. To shake this thinking, ask yourself: “Can I change the situation now? What do I gain by holding a grudge a year later? What will I gain by letting go?”

Finally, pretend you’re packing for a trip and you can only bring essential items. Would you take a healthy, positive attitude and a sense of humor or would you pack anger and resentment? The latter will only weigh you down.  Lighten the load by bringing only what’s beneficial to you and your new relationship.

Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist and executive coach. His book, “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days,” is available now. Email him your questions at jonathan@jonathanalpert.com and follow him on Twitter: @JonathanAlpert.

— Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author, or any opinions expressed on its pages.

 


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Girl, 10, dies after being pulled from water…

A 10-year-old girl died after being pulled from the waters off Coney Island Beach in Brooklyn on Tuesday night, police said.

News

NY judge throws out lawsuit by Empire State…

A New York state judge has thrown out a lawsuit in which longtime investors in the Empire State Building claimed they were shortchanged out of hundreds of millions of dollars…

Local

Mysterious white flags appear over Brooklyn Bridge

Two white flags mysteriously appeared over the towers of the Brooklyn Bridge yesterday in place of the American flags that are a traditional fixture.

National

Judge sets January start for murder trial of…

By Elizabeth BarberBOSTON (Reuters) - Former New England Patriots player Aaron Hernandez will be tried in January for the murder of semi-professional football player Odin…

Television

'Pretty Little Liars' recap: Season 5, Episode 7,…

Drunk girls and ghost brownies: here’s your weekly ‘Pretty Little Liars’ recap by way of Q&A. Q: do they really not check for feet under…

Arts

Don't miss 'Charles James: Beyond Fashion' at the…

Have you been meaning to see "Charles James: Beyond Fashion"? There are only two weeks left to get to the Met and catch this amazing American fashion designer's collection.

Television

Zac Posen talks 'Project Runway' and what it…

We talked to Zac Posen, judge and designer extraordinaire, about the new season of "Project Runway" and what keeps him coming back after three seasons.

Television

'Face Off' contestant David 'DOC' O'Connell sounds off…

David "DOC" O'Connell tells us about getting cast on Season 7 of Syfy's "Face Off," premiering tonight at 9.

NFL

David Tyree hiring has gay rights advocates angry

Former Giants Super Bowl hero David Tyree will re-join the franchise as its new director of player development.

NFL

Ben McAdoo's new offense has Giants excited to…

Even Tom Coughlin feels he has a lot to learn about offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo’s new offense, which makes the veteran coach very excited.

MLB

MLB Power Rankings: A's, Angels, Dodgers, Brewers lead…

MLB Power Rankings: A's, Angels, Dodgers, Brewers lead pack

NFL

2014 NFL season betting odds: Which team will…

2014 NFL season betting odds: Which team will win Super Bowl?

Tech

Learn Braille with these gloves

U.S. scientists have designed high-tech gloves to help users understand Braille in a matter of minutes.

Home

5 New Ikea products that will change your…

We round-up the latest must-have products.

Food

Recipe: Wolfgang Puck's Buttermilk French Toast

We recently spent some time chatting with restauranteur/celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck at his Wolfgang Puck American Grille in the Borgata in Atlantic City. Puck wanted…

Style

Go retro with your sneakers

The best of wacky new sneakers.