Should you tell your spouse when you meet up with an old fling?

Consider your intentions for the meet-up. Credit: Purestock
Consider your intentions for the meetup.
Credit: Purestock

Question: I recently had a drink with an old girlfriend from high school who was in town for the weekend. The relationship is platonic. But I didn’t tell my wife, and when she found out through a friend of mine she completely flipped out. Was I wrong not to tell her, even if I knew it would make her upset?

Lies of omission can be the most insidious, depending on their size. Sure, sometimes it may be a kindness not to trouble our loved ones with minor, seemingly innocuous matters that would unnecessarily upset them. But innocuous is relative. In this case, your lapse in disclosure seems to suggest a deeper issue of trust between you and your wife — and, perhaps, between you and yourself.

Let’s say you didn’t tell your wife because you assumed she wouldn’t understand and would assume the worst. What does this say about your assessment of her faith in you? Reflect on whether you’ve ever given her any reason not to trust you. If you haven’t always been transparent and faithful, there may be a good reason why she is especially sensitive and reluctant to believe that your rendezvous is innocent. If that were true, and meeting with your old flame would open old wounds, you might want to think twice next time about keeping secrets.

Now, let’s address your faith in your wife. Suppose you’ve never given her any reason not to trust you. Do you trust her to be a reasonable person who can anchor herself in the strength of your relationship and quell any irrational fears or flashes of jealousy? If not, you might have considered inviting her along, or perhaps even calling her from the bar to reassure her, slipping in an “I love you” so both women understand where they stand.

Finally, do you trust yourself? When setting out for this drink, was a part of you hoping to rekindle a spark, or perhaps seize an opportunity for something else? If so, consider exploring your feelings about your marriage that are leading you to stray. Is the possibility for momentary satisfaction really worth putting your marriage in jeopardy?

Trust is the foundation of marriage. Without it, there can be no relationship. Once you wife has cooled down, I would suggest that you begin a dialogue about trust in your marriage. If that feels scary, a couples therapist could help.

This column is not intended to be a substitute for a private consultation with a mental health professional, nor is this therapist liable for any actions taken as a result of this column. If you have further questions related to this column, make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional. Metro does not endorse the opinions of the author.



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Rethinking the NYC subway map and mass transit…

Max Roberts has never ridden New York City's subway — but he's thought about system's twists and turns more than most daily riders. A 47-year-old…

National

U.S. coastal flooding on the rise, government study…

By Ryan McNeill(Reuters) - Flooding is increasing in frequency along much of the U.S. coast, and the rate of increase is accelerating along the Gulf…

Local

NYPD: Suspect dead after two U.S. Marshals, cop…

A suspect was dead after a shooting that left two U.S. Marshals and an NYPD detective wounded in the West Village Monday afternoon, officials said.

International

PHOTO: Queen Elizabeth pulls off epic photobomb

The selfie / photobomb has gone viral.

Movies

'Get on Up' producer Mick Jagger on the…

Mick Jagger, a producer on the James Brown biopic "Get on Up," talks about the time had to tell the singer some bad news and his favorite JB record.

Television

'Glee' star Lea Michele to appear on 'Sons…

"Glee" star Lea Michele has been confirmed as a guest star in the final season of "Sons of Anarchy."

Television

TV watch list, Monday, July 28: 'The Bachelorette'…

See Andi Dorfman make her big choice on tonight's 'Bachelorette' finale.

Entertainment

'Kim Kardashian: Hollywood' game easter eggs and cheats

"Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" is the hottest game of the moment. Here are its best easter eggs as well as some tips and tricks to speed your way to the top.

NFL

Computer to Jets: Start Michael Vick over Geno…

Jets general manager John Idzik says the choice of who starts between second-year quarterback Geno Smith and veteran Michael Vick will be a “Jets decision.”

MLB

Yankees looking to trade for Josh Willingham: Report

CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman reported Sunday the Yankees are interested in Twins outfielder Josh Willingham.

MLB

Joe Torre: I'm in Hall of Fame because…

Joe Torre spent 18 years putting together a near Hall of Fame career as a player. But it was the 12 years he spent as…

MLB

Yankees GM Brian Cashman breaks down art of…

The action frequently accelerates as the non-waiver trade deadline approaches, as it will on Thursday.

Food

Zagat releases '30 Under 30' list

Zagat releases a list of the people changing the food and drink industry across the country.

Wellbeing

Fist bump gets respect as clean alternative to…

Though long used to give props, the fist bump is getting some actual respect. The gesture, once dubbed a “terrorist fist jab,” could become the new…

Wellbeing

Fist bump gets respect as clean alternative to…

Though long used to give props, the fist bump is getting some actual respect. The gesture, once dubbed a “terrorist fist jab,” could become the new…

Tech

Amazon offers 3D printing to customize earrings, bobble…

By Deepa SeetharamanSAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Amazon.com Inc will offer 3D printing services that allow customers to customize and build earrings, bobble head toys and…