Dating: Go ahead and get needy

Don't be all "too cool for school" when it comes to a new date.

Many of my dating clients—both male and female—worry about coming across as “too needy.”  So when out on dates and in relationships, they overcompensate and show no need at all.  They’re petrified of showing need to a partner because we’ve been taught that being needy is the most pathetic thing you can be. We assume it’s safer to air on the side of caution and if anything appear “too independent.”

The problem is, complete independence doesn’t work in relationships—and is similarly a turn off when dating. When you aren’t willing to show any vulnerability it puts up a wall between you and anyone trying to connect with you. You come across as disengaged and robotic. 

Showing people they have the power to affect you shows the real you, and that draws people in when you’re talking about dating, and it keeps people satisfied when you’re in a relationship. People like to know they matter, especially people you’re romantically involved with. When you don’t show need, don’t rely on your partner for emotional support, or don’t express a strong desire to spend time with them, it makes them feel unwanted, unvalued, and insecure. 

I’ve counseled smart successful women who worry that their job titles or the letters after their name will drive men away. It won’t. What drives men away is any air of “I have my job, so I just don’t need you.”  Ladies, it’s okay to need both.

I’ve also worked with guarded men who are confused why the women they love feel so unhappy in the relationship.  In trying to live up to the cultural norm of the stoic self-reliant man, they have alienated their partners by seeming detached and disengaged which makes their partners feel unimportant.  When these guys take a leap of faith and show more need (that existed in the first place just wasn’t articulated), the relationships get more stable.

There is absolutely a balance between showing some need and being completely dependent on somebody else.  But don’t let the fear of being “needy” keep you from accurately gauging where that balance is. 



News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Newest java joint in bastion of hipness is…

Little may represent the change the neighborhood is undergoing right now like the arrival of the first Starbucks. The chain which is ubiquitous in Manhattan, opened a Williamsburg store at…

National

Black and white are the new orange at…

By Brendan O'Brien(Reuters) - Black and white are the new orange in a Michigan county where the sheriff has made a wardrobe change for jail…

National

Traps set after reports of giant snake on…

New Jersey animal control workers have set traps to snare a reported 20-foot-long serpent slithering through the waters of Lake Hopatcong.

Local

NYPD: Stroller carrying 2-year-old rolls onto Queens subway…

A 2-year-old girl in a stroller rolled onto subway tracks in Queens on Monday morning, police said.

Entertainment

‘The Leftovers’ recap: Season 1, Episode 4, ‘B.J.…

Last week’s episode of “The Leftovers” was apparently a fluke, because this week’s episode returns to focusing on the Garveys and it is so boring.…

Movies

Interview: Luc Besson says 'Lucy' is very different…

Filmmaker Luc Besson talks about his new film "Lucy," how it's different than "Limitless" and his crazy first conversation with Egyptian actor Amr Waked.

Music

Weezer releases first new song since 2010

Weezer releases "Back to the Shack," their first new song in almost six years.

Movies

Benedict Cumberbatch plays a different kind of genius…

The man known worldwide for his portrayal of London's eccentric private detective Sherlock Holmes is trading his Belstaff coat for tweed this fall. Benedict Cumberbatch…

NFL

'Vicktory dogs' travel road to rehabilitation seven years…

Of the dozens of dogs groomed by Bad Newz Kennels, 48 were rescued and 22 of the pit bull terriers have emerged at Best Friends Animal Society.

MLB

Yankees looking at trade for Cliff Lee, according…

Yankees looking at trade for Cliff Lee, according to report

NFL

Giants lineman Chris Snee to retire: Reports

The Giants report to training camp on Tuesday, but Chris Snee may not be there when they do.

NBA

Carmelo Anthony talks about his charity work in…

As he is used to doing every year, NBA All-Star Carmelo Anthony is going to visit Puerto Rico to do work for his foundation.

Tech

RocketSkates let users roll with a motor

Los Angeles company Acton has raised funds on Kickstarter to roll out a nifty alternative – motor-powered "RocketSkates."

Tech

Knicks star Carmelo Anthony becomes a tech entrepreneur

He's been an All-Star, an Olympian, and a celebrity spokesperson. Now NBA player Carmelo Anthony is adding the position "tech entrepreneur" to his resume. Along…

Tech

Ulises 1 is the world's first singing satellite

A group of artists and engineers in Mexico have unveiled Ulises 1, the world's first opera-singing satellite.

Home

Wallscape on a budget

Skip the wallpaper and ombre an accent wall instead.