Phils lost, season is over. Eagles are sucking hard. Fuck Kubler-Ross, Philadelphians have their own stages of grief. And how does a die-hard Philly sports fan deal with loss?
There’s the eulogy:
Okay, there are a couple eulogies (Dude, you’re quoting an Adele breakup ballad. How melodramatic can you get?)
Then there’s sex. A lot of sex. Meaningless sex to numb the pain.
More meaningless sex to numb the pain.
And posting really, REALLY unflattering naked pictures in an attempt to get some meaningless sex to numb the pain.
Some prefer gentler sex to soothe the pain of the loss.
Damn, way to step on each others’ pickup lines!
I mean, this one is hardly Phillies-related, nor does it make sense.
Then there’s the out-of-town gloaters (who, with their posting styles, reveal more about themselves than the message they are trying to convey).
And self-righteous smugness from animal-lovers / Vick haters. Complete with overzealous use of quotation marks. (What is it with animal nuts and quotation marks?)
And then there’s cheerleader-stalking (clarification: it does not count as a missed connection if the two of you never connected in the first place).
But losing’s not all bad. You can use it as a pick-up excuse.
As a simile to cleverly insult women.
Or to prove you’re a real person (which, on the internet, you apparently now have to do at an alarming frequency).
But the worst part of losing has to be atoning for all the stupid bets you made during the season.