Red Sox: Gearing up for a Steven Wright start with Steven Wright jokes

We could be at the start of a revolution when it comes to the Boston comedy scene and the state of the knuckleball at Fenway Park.

For decades Boston comedy was defined by “the two Steves,” Steve Sweeney and Steven Wright. While Sweeney hasn’t updated his material since 1977, Wright has remained relevant with a younger crowd (starting with his appearance as ‘The Guy on the Couch’ in Dave Chappelle’s ‘Half Baked’). While most collectively agreed at some point in 2007 that Dane Cook was too douchey to reach ‘Steve’ level in the Hub, guys like Louis C.K. and Bill Burr have helped re-establish Boston as a funny town.

For (two) decades the Boston knuckleball scene (so hot), was dominated by Tim Wakefield. Ask anyone who attended multiple games at Fenway Park from 1995 to 2011 – which pitcher did you see the most. Liars will tell you Pedro; the rest will tell you Wakefield, and say so with a sigh.

Tuesday, a knuckleballer other than Wakefield will start a game for the Red Sox for the first time since the great Charlie Zink allowed eight earned runs on 11 hits in 4.1 innings on Aug. 12, 2008. Steven Wright, the baseball knuckleballer (no relation to the comedian, for the record), gets the nod for Boston in Houston on Tuesday night. Wright has pitched fairly well for the Red Sox in his limited appearances. He is 2-0 on the year with a 3.65 ERA in 12. 1 innings of work.

The Moreno Valley, Calif., native was dealt to the Sox last year during a time when the Faithful had little faith in Sox management. General Manager Ben Cherington gave up longtime Sox farm darling Lars Anderson to land Wright, and the move was met with a lot of skepticism. But Wright has impressed management and fans so far, enough to start a game for a pennant-chasing MLB team in August.

Ahead of Wright’s Tuesday start, here are a few Steven Wright (the comedian) jokes to deadpan every time Steven Wright (the knuckleballer) throws a pitch.

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar. I saw a bank that said 24-hour banking, but I don’t have that much time.”

“I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.”

“I went to the cinema, and the prices were: adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, ‘Give me two boys and a girl.’”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”

“Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle. One day a man walked in and asked, ‘If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?’ Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

“I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, ‘Can I help you?’ and I said, ‘Yeah, do you got anything I like?’ He said, ‘What do you mean do we have anything you like?’ I said, ‘You started this.’”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“The other day I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French-looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate. She couldn’t read in two different languages.”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.”

“I invented the cordless extension cord.”

“Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn’t stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone. It had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, ‘Steven, why haven’t you called me?’ I said, ‘I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.’ He said, ‘How long have you had it?’ I said, ‘I don’t know… My calendar has no sevens on it.’

“I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said, ‘Hello, Information.’ I said, ‘I can’t find my socks.’ She said, ‘They’re behind the couch.’ And they were!

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.”

“My grandfather invented Cliff’s Notes. It all started back in 1912… Well, to make a long story short …”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!”

Follow Metro Boston sports editor and columnist Matt Burke on Twitter @BurkeMetroBOS


News
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle
Local

Monday is the deadline to register for Pennsylvania…

If residents want to vote in the May primary, which includes a vote for a new City Council member, today is the deadline to register.

National

Miss America thinks school should reconsider discipline of…

A Pa. student was suspended for asking Miss America to prom.

Local

Aria Health Torresdale workers caught selling prescription drugs

Two Aria Health at Torresdale employees were fired amid accusations they sold prescription drugs out of the Northeast Philadelphia campus.

National

Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter died Sunday from prostate cancer…

Former U.S. professional boxer Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, who spent 19 years in prison for murder and then was released after it was determined he did not get a fair trial,…

Television

'Game of Thrones' recap: Season 4, Episode 3,…

The problem with the devil you know is that ignoring them doesn’t mean they simply lie in wait. It allows them time to do things…

Television

Discovery cancels 'Everest Jump Live' special in wake…

The Discovery Channel has indicated it will not be moving forward with "Everest Jump Live," a planned special about mountain climber Joby Ogwyn's effort to…

The Word

'X-Men' director Bryan Singer drama continues

  News broke late last week that "X-Men" and "The Usual Suspects" director Bryan Singer is being sued by a man who said Singer molested…

The Word

Miley Cyrus cancels more dates, tweeting from hospital

Miley Cyrus is reportedly so sick that she's had to postpone more tour dates. We know this because she has been sitting in a hospital…

NHL

Ray Emery steps up in Flyers’ Game 2…

Sure, he allowed two goals in the Rangers’ first four shots Sunday afternoon, but it’s about how you start, not how you finish.

NHL

Flyers come from behind, even series with Rangers

The Flyers overcame a two-goal deficit to get a much-needed win at Madison Square Garden Sunday.

MLB

Phillies get set for four against the Dodgers

The Phillies will face tough starting pitching out west against the Dodgers this week.

MLB

Phillies notebook: Cole Hamels returns this week

The Phillies should receive a big boost when Cole Hamels returns during the Dodgers series.

Travel

Packing: The one thing you need in your…

A new survey that looks at the travel habits of 50,000 people around the world has revealed that Western and Asian globetrotters have different priorities…

Home

Is your chair making it hard to talk?

Ever wished there was an office chair that could make impromptu meetings and discussions more private? The Cristiana Wing Chair is an asymmetrical armchair which…

Travel

Live large at these luxury hotels

From Thai boxing lessons and macabre Dracula tours to the Australian Outback, the Four Seasons hotel chain launched a series of new travel packages this…

Parenting

4 things that every summer camp should have

Alan Saltz, director of the 92nd street Y program lists things that every summer camp should have.