It’s official: The Red Sox have completed their transformation from the gold standard in the cutthroat sports business to gold standard in bush-league promotional machines.
Perhaps it’s a last-ditch effort to save the fraudulent sell-out streak at Fenway Park or, perhaps, it’s actually (maybe? possibly?) a show of goodwill to a fan base it has bankrupted both literally and figuratively over the past decade. Yup, for the better, the Red Sox are going all San Diego Padres on us. They are slashing food and, most importantly, beer prices at Fenway Park.
That $5 Fenway Frank? Consider it $2.50 because they’re now buy one, get one free. Have a kid who lives on nothing but corn syrup and processed meats? Fenway is the place for you and your boy because he’ll eat free if he’s under 14 (just good luck fitting mini Mo Vaughn into one of those hard red plastic seats).
And beer? You no longer have to hang out at Copperfield's until the fifth inning. You can now get loaded IN THE STADIUM because those watered-down Coors Lights in plastic cups are going to cost just $5 instead of $8.50. Maybe even splurge and get a Noble Pils. Go crazy folks, go crazy!
It’s plain to see that the Red Sox best move of the past year was not bringing in nice-guy Mickeys and Goofys named Victorino and Dempster in order to change the clubhouse atmosphere at the amusement park on Yawkey Way. It wasn’t dumping all that salary and headache last August in the Beckett-Gonzalez-Crawford trade. Nope, their smartest move in quite a while came when they decided to win back the hearts of their fan base with cheap food and booze. That type of strategy is more American than baseball itself.
Grappling with life
Without question, X-Pac’s Bronco Buster was the most crowd-pleasing wrestling move this side of Goldust’s Shattered Dreams production. But as we all know, you can’t keep pulling off the Bronco Buster for two decades and expect to have your anus come away unscathed.
X-Pac, aka Sean Waltman, who is apparently still wrestling in armories and bingo halls across this great land, tore his anus over the weekend while attempting the move on his opponent. His girlfriend tweeted after the injury, “We don’t know if there is a medical term for it…but he did a bronco buster last night that literally ripped his ass apart! :-/ Lost a lot of blood! Had surgery this morning and is on the road to recovery! Believe it or not..this has happened to him once before! #wrestling #seanwaltman #xpac @therealxpac #getwellsoonxpac.”
Awww, man. What I would have done for a nice anus hashtag.
Hopefully Vince McMahon will show some sympathy for his former star and throw X-Pac and his anus into some throwaway three-man tag at WrestleMania coming up in a couple of weeks. One can dream.
In the meantime, let's refresh everyone’s memory on X-Pac’s personal life. He dated Chyna, who once dated his best friend Triple-H (who is now married to McMahon’s daughter, Stephanie). While dating Chyna, the two made a sex tape together. X-Pac now bad-mouths Chyna like nobody's business, and Chyna is involved in full-fledged porn. Who says the wrestling business is sleazy?
Matt Burke is sports editor and a columnist at Metro Boston. Follow him on Twitter @BurkeMetroBOS