It’s Oscar season, so we thought we’d take a look at what the sports equivalent might look like.
And yes, we are aware that the so-called Worldwide Leader produces something called the ESPY Awards … sorry, they don’t count. Half the guys they are honoring are on the payroll.
Anyway, put 24 seconds on the clock and away we go:
BEST ACTOR: Tim Tebow
Don't hate. The extremely religious QB captivated the nation — way before LINSANITY — and led a mediocre Broncos team to the divisional round of the NFL playoffs. Tebow-Mania had regular Joes (and Jills) watching Broncos games, and some were even pondering whether "divine intervention" was taking place. Whatever your opinion, the dude had street cred. People in Denver were ignoring John Elway and rooting for Tebow. To put that it in perspective, that would be like people here in Philly tuning out Harry Kalas (RIP) during old Philllies broadcasts to listen to Chris Wheeler.
BEST ACTRESS: Serena Williams.
It was a long year for one of the greatest tennis players of all-time. The 30-year-old fought off a life-threatening blood disease and came back to win Wimbledon. Did we say win? We meant dominate. Williams didn’t dop a single set and also set a record for aces served.
“I usually don't cry, I don't understand it. It's been so hard, I never dreamt I'd be here,” she said.
But you’re scratching your head and asking: Where’s the gossip? Well, aside from her skin tight outfits and a Twitter pic where she appears to be, umm, stimulating herself … Williams also is rumored to have started a rap beef between ex-boyfriend Common and new one, Drake.
BEST PICTURE: LINSANITY.
Excuse our Philly bias, but that Giants-Patriots Super Bowl really bored us. While Jeremy Lin’s sudden and unexpected rise to stardom is fresh — akin to meeting your favorite porn star in person, sure you want to jump on board but it’s still new and there’s a lack of trust — it’s the most amazing story in sports, maybe the past decade. Maybe EVER.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: LeChoke James.
Some of you may know him better as LeBron James. We (and Dan Gilbert) call him LeChoke. The Cleveland refugee was happy to play Robin to Dwyane Wade’s Batman for an entire season and took the Miami Heat all the way to the NBA Finals.
With the championship on the line, James pulled a Houdini act and mocked Dallas star Dirk Nowitzki for being sick. Wait, did we say BEST supporting actor or WORST? Hey, he did help the Heat get to the Finals.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Gisele Bundchen.
The beautiful supermodel wife of perennial Super Bowl loser Tom Brady (what? … too soon?)
When Giants fans verbally attacked her husband, Gisele stood by her man, saying:
"My husband cannot f**king throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."
BEST DIRECTOR: Joshua Harris/Adam Aron
We could go a number of ways here. Ruben Amaro, Jr. has spoiled us over the years and his decision to add Jonathan Papelbon and bring back fan favorite Jim Thome.
But we see director more of an owner. Since Jeff Lurie let an entire city down by hanging on to Andy Reid, and Ed Snider is resigned to visiting local hockey rinks and doing community service, we’re giving it to the new guys: the Sixers’ Joshua Harris and Adam Aron.
Sixers games are becoming events, with Broadway-orchestrated halftime entertainment. Former American Idol finalist Ayla Brown is a star in the making, along with the new Dream Team dance squad. Plus, giving out pieces of the court where Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points is some out-of-the-box thinking. Now, what if they gave out pieces of the bed where ... never mind. Too easy.
COSTUME DESIGN: Philadelphia Passion
This was the most top-heavy category. The Flyers blew our minds with their Winter Classic sweaters: classic, bright, Bernie Parent approved. The Phillies also piqued our interest with their Philadelphia Stars Negro League throwbacks, which were steeped in tradition and rich in history. Then, there was the Wings with their Twitter handle jerseys. The franchise made history, at least in North America.
Alas, the award has to go to the Philadelphia Passion, of the Lingerie Football League. If I need to explain why, then see a doctor.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Ilya Bryzgalov’s “universe” soliloquy on HBO’s 24/7
Without question the most Stanley Cup-worthy thing the Flyers’ $51 million man has done this season — on or off the ice. The Russian-born goaltender started his Flyers career by comparing Philadelphia to Siberia. He’s done little since to endear himself to fans. However, the way he uses his broken English to spar with reporters is definitely Oscar-worthy.
MAKEUP: Mike Vick
This was a no-brainer and it doesn’t go to an actual person. ESPN’s “What if Michael Vick were White?” story presented us with a photo illustration of a white Michael Vick.
As stupid (and racially insensitive as it was), it was a talker. One Philadelphia area reporter even asked Vick about it. The QB just shrugged and laughed.
MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE): Here Come the Sixers
At first we felt the need to include Wiz Khalifa’s “Black and Yellow” for this category. Then, we realized that we really hate the Steelers and — while that song was wildly popular in 2011 — it was actually released in 2010. Too old.
We also considered the recent rap by Nets billionaire owner Mikhail Prokhorov, but the Russian gangsta flow really has nothing to do with sports.
Our choice — and this should shock no one — is the retro hit, “1-2-3-4-5 SIXERS.” That’s a working title, also known as “Here Come the Sixers.” Whatever you want to call it, it’s pimp sauce.