Allen: Confessions of a contrarian

I'm a contrarian. It's what I do. That’s how I roll.

I take it upon myself to make sure you don't enjoy yourself too much. We simply can't have it.

We may have crossed paths in the news or financial world, but I really do some of my best work in sports. Especially Boston sports. There's always a fire to put out, and never a shortage of material. Just this week, I've been busy trying to deal with the yahoos who think the Celtics are now going to be a good team simply because they added two guys who have played in a total of 17 All Star games. It's my job to tell these people that not only are the Celtics not going to win the NBA championship, they're not even going to make the playoffs. So what if Kevin Garnett is perhaps a top 5 player all-time at his position? So what if Paul Pierce and Ray Allen are going to have more open looks than they've had in their lives? My job is to take your pie-eyed optimism right away from you. Don't enjoy this. There are perhaps 9 teams better than the Celtics in the Eastern Conference.

The Patriots, so close to squeezing out that AFC championship game last January, responded by going out and acquiring every player worth having in the offseason. So what?  Don't you dare enjoy this. I'm here to tell you that, before you get a chance to even watch an exhibition game, all these moves were simply made because Bill Belichick is out after this season. He's just decided to go for it all this year, before leaving you saps in the dust the minute the season is over. So don't even think about enjoying this season. My job is to get you to worry every single day about how Bill Belichick is going to leave us all. It's working on a lot of you already, I can tell.

I've had a ball with the Patriots...they've been so good this decade that I've had plenty of chances to try and ruin people's enjoyment of the team. It's fun to make continual predictions of doom, because I know sooner or later, I'm going to be proved right. Besides all the dozens of times I was wrong, the people were so happy, so they didn't bother to throw my words back in my face. Even if they did, I could just dismiss them as "suck-ups" and "fanboys." Isn't this fabulous?

Manny Ramirez hates you. I said that once. Made a big deal about it too. Played it up big. So what if the guy has had Hall of Fame seasons here in Boston? He doesn't hustle enough, he has brain cramps on the basepaths, and makes half-hearted trade requests, only to take them back the following week. You know why he does this? Because he hates you with the intensity of 10,000 white-hot burning suns. Don't you dare enjoy Manny's hitting accomplishments, especially the fact that he is approaching 500 career home runs. Just remember that he hates you.

I could go on and on. I still giggle when I think about the glowing draft preview I wrote about a prospect, and then when the local team actually drafted the kid, I ripped them. That was hilarious! People sure weren't pleased with me that day. Drafts are great times to throw the wet blanket. The young prospects are so full of promise, but all you have to do is bring up the name of a famous draft-day bust, and you've ruined it for people. It doesn't get any better than that.

Why do I do it? It brings me attention, for one. People hate me, but they sure don't stop reading what I have to say. It gets me gigs on local radio and television. People talk about me! I actually make money doing this! What a great country you say? Actually...I hate this place...
 

Bruce Allen is the creator of bostonsportsmedia.com.