John McCain: mental time traveler

Last week, John McCain gave the greatest speech in history. Avoiding done-to-death topics like racial difference or hope, McCain instead tore aside the veil of time to show America its future. Describing the year 2013, the soothsaying senator foresaw himself as president presiding over a virtual paradise in which the war, Osama bin Laden, and our economic problems are history. This is great news. We only have four more years of feeling terrible everyday. And we also have a leader who can see the future, an American Nostradamus speaking in plain, no-nonsense English, rather than stupid French poetry that could mean anything.

Some have criticized these prophecies as wishful thinking. And sure, McCain didn’t predict how he’d actually fix the problems he said he’d fix. But come on, half of a president’s job is to be the nation’s showman. If he told us everything now he’d lose all the suspense, and make it that much less exciting when he saves the world. If you must criticize McCain’s divine vision, criticize its lack of ambition. Where were the robot butlers, bubble-houses on the moon, and time-traveling chronocars? Do we really have to wait more than four years for that stuff?

Regardless, the speech was brilliant because McCain is turning his biggest weakness — his inhuman age — into a strength by becoming America’s shaman, a wise village-elder who interprets the secrets of the stars. Soon he’ll trade in his conservative suit for a peacock feather vest and hold vision quest rallies with his spirit animal, a grumpy tortoise. This technically makes him a wizard, but while that might have doomed past candidates — such as Michael Dukakis — in our more tolerant post-Harry Potter world, that’s a risk he can afford to take.

Really, McCain’s fortune-telling abilities can only help him. Everyone wants to know they’re doing the right thing, especially Americans, who see unrealistic global consequences in trivial choices like where they buy apples or what cartoons their children watch. McCain can reassure them that no matter what they do, the future will be okay. Plus, voters love empty promises. And as if that wasn’t enough, the crystal ball that is McCain’s balding, egg-like head has already foreseen he’ll be president. So why bother supporting the opposition? Voting for someone you know won’t win is just plain dumb. Which means it’s victory in November for McCain! After all, he already told us so.

Elliott Kalan is a producer for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”