There are also flying cars and runaway noses
THEATRE
DECEMBER
Blue Man Group
Ongoing
Charles Playhouse
74 Warrenton St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$41-$58, 617- 931-2787
www.blueman.com
The only time we allow ourselves to get toilet-papered by strangers covered in blue paint is when said blue-painted strangers are engaged in absurdist theatre with a new-media bent. You should follow our lead.
‘The Seafarer’
Now to Dec. 13
Calderwood Pavilion at the BCA
527 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$14 to $50, 617- 933-8600
www.SpeakEasyStage.com
Conor McPherson's Tony Award-nominated play also involves strangers, but here they're playing a game of poker on Christmas Eve. Because poker is best played on a stomach full of eggnog and figgy pudding.
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical
Now to Dec. 28
Wang Theatre
270 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$28 to $78, (866) 348-9738
www.citicenter.org
Dr. Seuss' classic book-turned-classic-animated-special-turned-not-so-classic-Jim-Carrey movie-turned-Broadway musical will remind you, once again, that if you go stealing everyone's presents, be prepared for that conscience – it's a bitch! (Well, unless you're a sociopath, in which case – pillage away!)
Tom Stoppard's Rock 'n' Roll
Now to Dec. 7
Boston University Theatre
264 Huntington Avenue, Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Symphony
$20 to $82.50, 617- 266-0800
www.huntingtontheatre.org
Tom Stoppard's new Tony Award-nominated drama tells the story of Prague's rock revolution. Raise your hand if you think the Scorpions should be the soundtrack of any rock revolution.
Einstein’s Dreams
Now to Dec. 14
Central Square Theater
450 Mass. Ave., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Central
$18 to $32, (866) 811-4111
www.centralsquaretheater.org
MIT and the Underground Railway Theater collaborate on this production of Wesley Savick's play, in which we get a glimpse of Einstein's imagination while he's working on the Theory of Relativity. Hopefully this is a reassuring portrait for us blue-collar chumps – you know, Einstein was like this wild-haired genius, sure, but he dreamt about regular things like the rest of us. Like being an action hero and falling victim to a smoky-eyed seductress.
The Mystery of Irma Vep
Now to December 21
The Lyric Stage Company of Boston
140 Clarendon St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$25-50, 617- 585.5678
www.lyricstage.com
Neil A. Casey and John Kuntz play eight different characters in this "high-camp tribute to Gothic horror films and Victorian melodrama." It involves a werewolf, a vampire, an Egyptian princess, and a haunted mansion. We've gotta admit -- sounds a lot like one of Einstein's quantum mechanic-addled dreams.
The Nutcracker
Now to Dec. 28
Boston Opera House
539 Washington St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$30 to $120, 617- 931-2787
www.bostonballet.org
Speaking of dreams and crazy, mythical things that come to life – when did the holidays become a full-blown bad acid flashback? Get yer fill of giant rats and the giant golem-esque dude that is the Nutcracker, armed with a gleaming cutlass and those freakish teeth, in this perennial Christmas ballet.
Aurélia’s Oratorio
Now to December 28
Loeb Drama Center
64 Brattle St., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Harvard
$15 to $79, 617- 547-8300
www.amrep.org
Actress and acrobat Aurélia Thierrée, granddaughter of Charlie Chaplin, gets all contortion-y with her idiosyncratic style of stage illusion. Hopefully this arts preview will feature that photo of her split in two inside the wardrobe, which is the only kind of promotion one needs to cause a prospective audience to cry, "WTF?! I've gotta see that!"
Alice’s Adventures Underground
December 4 to December 28
Central Square Theater
450 Mass. Ave., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Central Square
$12 to $18, (866) 811-4111
www.centralsquaretheater.org
Lewis Carroll's classic books "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" get mashed up in the Underground Railway Theater's production, replete with puppets and original music by locals Roger Miller and Evan Harlan. Is it just us, or do puppets and a dude from Mission of Burma make just about anything better?
The Marriage of Figaro
December 5 to December 7
Cutler Majestic Theatre
219 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$16 to $20, (800) 233-3123
www.maj.org
Mozart's romantic comedy is described as a "scintillating, sexy assault on authority." Perhaps if John Cougar Mellencamp had tried fighting authority in a scintillating, sexy way, he wouldn't have lost every time.
All About Christmas Eve
December 5 to January 3
Machine Theater
1256 Boylston St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Kenmore
$28 to $30, 617- 265-6222
www.golddustorphans.com
The Gold Dust Orphans bring the Bette Davis sass with this story of an aging actress, her young competition, and all the cutthroat drama that entails. "Gold Dust Orphans" reminds us of "Gold Dust Woman" which causes us to bust out a little Lindsey Buckingham air guitar.
Chicago
December 9 to 14
The Colonial Theatre
106 Boylston St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$27.50 to $87.50, 617- 931-2787
www.broadwayacrossamerica.com/boston
Everyone knows this Broadway and Hollywood smash, a razzle-dazzle tale of adultery, murder, corruption, and wildly flailing jazz hands. But this production stars Luke Duke himself, Tom Wopat, which has got to mean that his stage exits involve sliding across the hood of a souped-up muscle car with a Confederate flag on its roof. We hope.
Holiday Pops
December 11 to December 31
Symphony Hall
301 Mass. Ave., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Symphony
$27 to $122, 617- 266-1200
www.bostonpops.org
Pop goes the, um, Pops in this annual blowout of holiday huzzahs, led by Keith Lockhart. Santa makes an appearance during the kids' matinees, and if your innate Puritanisms don't freak him out, then your Christmas wish probably will.
Lea DeLaria
December 11 to December 13
Calderwood Pavilion at the BCA
527 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$25, 617- 266-0800
www.huntingtontheatre.org
Broadway actress, jazz musician, and groundbreaking queer stand-up comic Lea DeLaria can is probably the only person who puts punchlines at the end of Ella-esque vocal scats.
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol
December 14 to December 28
Arsenal Center for the Arts
321 Arsenal St., Watertown
MBTA: 70/70A bus to School St.
$35 to $55, 617- 923-8487
www.newrep.org
Once again, New Repertory Theatre, in collaboration with the Arsenal Center for the Arts and Watertown Children’s Theatre, puts on its popular production of Dickens' holiday story-to-end-all-holiday stories – you know, it's depressing, it's redemptive, it's full of soot-covered British people wif those funny accents, oy!
The Santaland Diaries
December 17 to January 4
New Repertory Theatre
321 Arsenal St., Watertown
MBTA: 70/70A bus to School St.
$30, 617- 923-8487
www.newrep.org
If you've ever worked as a Macy's Elf during the holiday season, then David Sedaris' story is something you can relate to: the humiliation, the demanding clientele, oh, the humanity! For everyone else, a guy in an elf costume is reason enough to watch.
JANUARY
The Year of Magical Thinking
January 2 to January 31
The Lyric Stage Company of Boston
140 Clarendon St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$25 to $50, 617- 585-5678
www.lyricstage.com
Life, death, love, and their knotty intersection: Joan Didion's bestselling memoir, about struggling with her husband's sudden death and daughter's subsequent illness, is transformed into a play that the New York Times called "insistently hypnotic."
The Cherry Orchard
January 8 to February 1
The Nora Theatre Company
450 Mass. Ave., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Central Square
$18 to $32, (866) 811-4111
www.centralsquaretheater.org
George Malko's new translation of Chekhov's signature play, written specifically for the Nora, is the basis for this production, directed by Daniel Gidron and starring Annette Miller. What happens in the cherry orchard stays in the cherry orchard.
The Corn Is Green
January 9 to February 8
Boston University Theatre
264 Huntington Avenue, Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Symphony
$20 to $82.50, 617- 266-0800
www.huntingtontheatre.org
Kate Burton plays schoolteacher Miss Moffat, who starts the first school in a Welsh coal-mining town. What this has to do with green corn is anyone's guess. Unless that's drug slang, in which case we totally know what they're talkin' about.
The Seagull
January 10 to February 1
Loeb Drama Center
64 Brattle St., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Harvard
$15 to $79, 617- 547-8300
www.amrep.org
Chekhov's other signature play is over 100 years old, but it still "paints a rich and tumultuous portrait of the human heart." You may think it looks like a seagull, but it's actually a human heart. Trust us. János Szász, an A.R.T. fave, directs.
Cabaret
January 11 to February 1
New Repertory Theatre
321 Arsenal St., Watertown
MBTA: 70/70A bus to School St.
$40 to $60, 617- 923-8487
www.newrep.org
Before the Pussycat Dolls and Tom Waits, Sally Bowles and that creepy emcee guy were our only cultural representatives of burlesque and Weill-esque carnival barking, respectively. Ah, simpler times.
The New Century
January 16 to February 14
Calderwood Pavilion at the BCA
527 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$14 to $50, 617- 933-8600
www.SpeakEasyStage.com
Paula Plum, Robert Saoud and Kerry A. Dowling star in Paul Rudnick's series of "four hilarious gay-themed short plays that take a look at where American society is headed in the new millennium." God, please let it include teleportation. It's okay if it's gay-themed teleportation.
Frost/Nixon
January 27 to February 8
The Colonial Theatre
106 Boylston St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$35 to $81, 617- 931-2787
www.broadwayacrossamerica.com/boston
Mike Hammer fans: Are you sitting down? Your homeboy, Stacy Keach, is Richard Nixon in the Tony Award-nominated play recounting British talk-show host David Frost's famous interviews with one of America's most infamous ex-presidents. Olivier Award-winner Michael Grandage directs.
Seussical
January 30 to March 1
Wheelock Family Theatre
200 The Riverway, Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Fenway
$15 to $25, 617- 879-2300
www.wheelock.edu/wft
The Cat in the Hat, Horton, and a Who: they're all in this musical celebrating Dr. Seuss' creative legacy and outrageous imagination. Seriously, what kind of a doctor would endorse green eggs and ham?
Bad Jazz
January 30 to February 21
Plaza Black Box Theater
539 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$30 to $35, 617- 933-8600
www.ZeitgeistStage.com
How far would you go for art's sake? In this play, "an actress takes a role that puts her sanity at risk, an actor struggles to remain true to his artistic ideals, and a director drives his company past the point of reason." And the title suggests that somebody kicks out the Kenny G jams, which is, scientifically speaking, the lowest an artist can conceivably go.
FEBRUARY
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
February 4 to February 8
Wang Theatre
270 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$25.50 to $72.50, (866) 348-9738
www.telecharge.com
This one's got a weird pedigree: James Bond creator Ian Fleming wrote the novel, Roald Dahl adapted it for the 1968 film, and the Sherman Brothers were behind the songs. Those who like all things badass, however, could care less about that kind of stuff – all that really matters is that the car flies! Booyah!
Dirty Dancing
February 7 to March 15
Boston Opera House
539 Washington St., Boston
MBTA: Red/Orange Line to Downtown Crossing
$30 to $132, 617- 931-2787
www.broadwayacrossamerica.com/boston
Nobody puts Baby in a corner – unless that corner is on the Opera House's stage with the timeless music of Eric Carmen serving as emotional and narrative counterpoint. Hungry eyes? You betcha! Swayze approved.
Of Mice and Mink
February 12 to March 13
Machine Theater
1256 Boylston St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Kenmore
$30 to $32, 617- 265-6222
www.golddustorphans.com
The plot of this Gold Dust Orphans production is a bit complicated, but it involves ugly hookers, the Great Depression, Lynn, MA, an accidentally murder by perming, and a lynch mob. Which is to say: AWESOME.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
February 13 to March 14
The Lyric Stage Company of Boston
140 Clarendon St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$25 to $50, 617- 585-5678
www.lyricstage.com
Tennessee Williams' play about "hypocrisy, greed, and secret passions" was made famous by Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor. The slow-boiling drama – not to mention sultry dysfunction – is bound to heat up any cold winter night.
Endgame
February 14 to March 15
Loeb Drama Center
64 Brattle St., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Harvard
$15 to $79, ??
www.amrep.org
It seems that folks got it bad in this "enigmatic and absurdly funny" play: Hamm is blind and chair-bound; his black toy dog is missing a leg. Hamm's parents "live in two ashbins and long for sugar-plums" – we're not exactly sure what that even means, but we'll concede that it is a right bummer way to get on.
Blackbird
February 20 to March 21
Calderwood Pavilion at the BCA
527 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$14-$50, 617- 933-8600
www.SpeakEasyStage.com
Bates Wilder and Marianna Gammons star in the Boston-area premiere of David Harrower's Oliver Award-winning play. Two people reconnect fifteen years after a passionate affair. If these two start navel-gazing, someone should remind them that at least they're not blind living with a one-legged dog.
The Random Caruso
February 20 to March 7
Boston Center for the Arts
539 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$18 to $25, 617- 933-8600
www.centastage.org
This Hollywood tale about a vain actor and his assistant is all about backstabbing and deceit and fakeness -- quite clearly the product of someone's wild imagination.
Exits and Entrances
February 22 to March 15
New Repertory Theatre
321 Arsenal St., Watertown
MBTA: 70/70A bus to School St.
$35 to $54, 617- 923-8487
www.newrep.org
A young man, identified only as "the Playwright," helps a conceited, older actor prepare for a performance of "Oedipus Rex." Their confrontation begets questions of art's purpose and impact, and of having the hots for your mom.
The Nose
February 27 to March 3
Cutler Majestic Theatre
219 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Chinatown
$29-$119, (800) 233-3123
www.operaboston.org
Shostakovich's first opera, based on a Gogol short story, gets its New England premiere featuring a cast that includes Stephen Salters, Torrance Blaisdell, and Vladimir Matorin. It's about a guy who wakes up one morning to find his nose has run off! Hey, buddy, is your nose running? Well, you'd better go catch it!
OTHER
DECEMBER
Improv Asylum Main Stage
Ongoing
Improv Asylum
216 Hanover St., Boston
MBTA: Orange or Green Line to Haymarket
$15- $20, 617- 263-NUTS
www.improvasylum.com
Our spellcheck keeps trying to change "improv" into "improve." Interpret that as you wish.
Artful Holidays at the Gardner
December 13
Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum
280 The Fenway, Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Museum
$150 to $200, 617- 566-1401
www.gardnermuseum.org
For the first time, the Gardner's annual members-only holiday party is open to the public. Non-members have to pony up an extra $50, but it comes with a free piece of art from the museum walls. We call dibs on the Botticelli!
ImprovBoston Holiday Spectacular
December 18 to December 27
ImprovBoston
40 Prospect St., Cambridge
MBTA: Red Line to Central Square
$12-$16, 617- 576-1253
www.improvboston.com
A month's worth of holiday merriment can take its toll on a person, so decompress at the ImprovBoston's seasonal show. You'll laugh so hard that you'll forget that your 401(k) is in the toilet.
Judy Gold
December 26 to December 31
Calderwood Pavilion at the BCA
527 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Orange Line to Back Bay
$20 to $45, 617- 266-0800
www.huntingtontheatre.org
Stand-up comic Judy Gold is back at the Huntington to riff on "being a Jewish, lesbian, working mom raising two boys in New York City." She's famous for those "…you might be a Jewish, lesbian, working mom if" jokes.
Mickey and Minnie's Magical Journey
December 26 to December 30
TD Banknorth Garden
100 Legends Way, Boston
MBTA: Green/Orange Line to North Station
$20 to $25, 617- 624-1000
www.disneyonice.com
Mickey and Minnie Mouse head up a cast of ice-bound Disney characters from movies like "The Little Mermaid," "The Lion King," and "Peter Pan." They call it "a journey so magical, you'll never want to go home." But you'll have to go home, and those big bouncers who typically work the Bruins games will make sure of that.
JANUARY
Cirque Le Masque's Carnivale
January 21 to January 25
Cutler Majestic Theatre
219 Tremont St., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Boylston
$35 to $60, (800) 233-3123
www.maj.org
An offbeat alternative to those circuses that make polar bears ride unicycles, Cirque Le Masque features an array of jugglers, acrobats, comics, and aerial performers. And, simply for contrariness' sake, a lion puts his head inside a dude's mouth.
FEBRUARY
Golden Dragon Acrobats
February 8
Symphony Hall
301 Mass. Ave., Boston
MBTA: Green Line to Symphony
$37 to $58, 617- 482-6661
www.celebrityseries.org
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird…it's a plane…it's a bunch of contortionists and acrobats soaring and bouncing around with their body parts twisted in ways that most certainly ain't right! Wow, it hurts just to watch.
Worlds of Fantasy
February 13 to February 22
TD Banknorth Garden
100 Legends Way, Boston
MBTA: Green/Orange Line to North Station
$20 to $25, 617- 624-1000
www.disneyonice.com
Disney characters and freshly zambonied ice were apparently made for each other, as this repeat show of Disney on Ice would attest. Tinker Bell will be there, and the Disney Fairies, the Lion King, and the Little Mermaid, who wears one big skate on the end of her fish tale.