Heartless for feeling no guilt?

 

 

I love going to work. I breathe a sigh of relief at school drop-off. I kiss my son, wave goodbye and look forward to my day at work.

I won’t spend my day changing diapers. (That’s for mornings, nights and weekends). I normally won’t do pickup or karate or baseball drop-off. And I won’t normally spend time in classes or on play dates.  

Instead, I read the newspaper on the train, as if I’m alone … the only one there. My journey to the office is even calculated “me” time. Some mornings include a short coffee catch-up with a friend, or personal calls on the walk from the subway to the office.

By 10 a.m. my “other” job officially begins. I thrive in my office and because I have it, I accomplish more in my life. I need the work interaction, the creativity, and the opportunity to learn daily. I need the paycheck for many reasons. I need to contribute. I also need the financial freedom to be able to buy those jeans without explanation to anyone other than myself.

But my guiltless life comes at a cost. It’s not the path I planned to take. I’ve made concessions in my career and at home. I’ve had to adjust my professional goals in order to have flexibility.

Just this week, I missed my little one’s first real walking. I found out by text: “12 steps — alone!” That morning before work I saw four. I proudly showed the text in my meeting. “Oh, no, you missed it” was my colleagues’ reaction. But I had no guilt. Instead I thought, my work with him that morning paid off!

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Am I missing a certain “mom-ness” sense?  Will I have missed too many moments with my kids? I don’t know. Will I regret my career change? I don’t know. What do I know? I love my kids. I love my husband and I don’t feel guilt. I know I am a better mom, because I work!

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