It’s always sunny in Boston
While the rational, Euclidean side of my brain has been looking forward to this World Series to see what happens when two stacked lineups collide, the emotional side of my brain has been less than enthused. It has no skin in this game. It is unsatisfied. It is bored.
I confessed these feelings of apathy to a fellow Sox fan, who replied with some horror that he secretly wanted the Yankees to win, as it would give him a sense that order had been restored. Perhaps, but isn’t that a bit like saying the world would be more stable if only the Soviet Union would rise again? (At what price, my good man? At what price?) And in fact, to carry the metaphor into murkier waters, this World Series reminds me of nothing so much as the news last month that Somali pirates had attacked a North Korean ship. I didn’t know which side to root for then, either.
Feeling like I ought to be able to summon more anti-Yankee animus, I ordered my rational brain to get the emotional brain on board. I decided to list all the things the Boston nine had in common with the Phillies:
1. Both fanbases know what it’s like to put their faith in Pedro’s rotator cuff.
2. Both teams have great second basemen.
3. Both cities were hurt by those obnoxious Southwest ads; you know, the ones that compared Philadelphia to “a baby New York.”
4. Which reminds me: Both cities hate New York.
5. J.D. Drew is not getting free drinks in either city.
6. Curt Schilling flapped his gums in both places.
7. The Phillies are the losingest franchise of all time, and the Red Sox were, at least for the better part of a century, the chokingest.
8. Neither city can properly pronounce “water.”
9. Both teams have big green mascots.
10. Both the Sox and the Phillies like the color red.
And yet, faced with this impressive list of commonalities between Massholes and citizens of the City of Brotherly Shove, my emotional brain just shrugged. And then I remembered the advice I’d gotten about that Somali pirates/North Korea thing. I’d put the quandary to a friend, and, staring at my list, his Zen-like wisdom floated back to me. “Why are girls always trying to take sides?” he said. “Don’t you think it’d be more fun if you just sat back with a frosty drink and watched them whack each other?”
Neither side of my brain could argue with that.
– Sarah Green also writes for UmpBump.com. She can be reached at sarah@umpbump.com.
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