STANDING UP FOR THE SCOFFLAWS

Following J. Edgar Hoover’s lead from 1950, the Philadelphia Parking Authority broke out their best press conference attire yesterday and launched its “Top 25 Philadelphia Parking Ticket Scofflaws” initiative.

As best I could tell, the stated message was, “Let’s publicly humiliate those loophole-exploiters responsible for 3,490 unpaid tickets worth just more than $308,000.”

What interests me more, though, is what I perceive as the unstated message: “What better way to make people forget our inherent godlessness than a time-tested PR gimmick? Sure, the public will forever hate, but the PPA does what the PPA wants to do. Should that mean relying on excuses to skimp on the money being pumped into the schools, so be it. If you don’t like it, we’ll wait by your meter till it expires. Till you snap.”

Now, I live to tell stories of those who fall into the abyss only to redeem themselves. Just once, I’d like to side with an agency that, at its core, has an important mission. But let’s face it: Tony Romo laying on the Astroturf in a puddle of tears is more dignified that the cutthroat arrogance some meter maids wield both in reality and on an embarrassingly detrimental reality series.

When celebri-chef Susanna Foo cracked that ticket-dispenser square in the face back in 2006, most of us started working on the character-reference speech. (Drill, Susanna, Drill!)

Now, I didn’t go to the Big List Unveiling because I already know this town doesn’t like vultures asking us to help with the reputational rose-coloring of a patronage-potpourri that sucks our wallets dry $26 at a time. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. They’re a perpetually easy target. Until the PPA holds a bells-and-whistles presser to prove they’re not responsible for $308,193.70 in faulty tickets that Philadelphians had to lose a few work hours to trudge on down to Filbert Street to fight, they could hand out gold-plated long-stem roses on Valentine’s Day and still none of us will think any better of them. Until then, and even if they somehow start illegally parking in my driveway every night, I’m on Team Scofflaw.

– Brian Hickey is a freelance journalist living in East Falls.

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