So have you broken all your new year’s resolutions yet? Of course you have. Now forget those lofty ambitions that would have you forsake all your vices simultaneously, and let’s try to focus on setting some small goals for the new year.
I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of 12 entirely achievable resolutions that I’d like you (yes, YOU) to make and keep for 2012. Don’t worry, I promise to try my best to adhere to them as well. After all, even a few minor changes can make the world a much better place for me, you and everyone we know.
1. I will stop Keeping Up with the Kardashians once and for all and spend more time with my own family.
2. I will stand right and walk left on escalators.
3. I will stop doing that thing where I see an acquaintance on the street and pretend I don’t know them. We both know what’s going on; let’s just stop being awkward and say hello.
4. I will take better care of my hair because someday I might lose it all.
5. The same thing goes for my money.
6. I will resist the urge to Like a Facebook status update about an engagement or pregnancy in order to prevent a never-ending stream of annoying comment notifications in the days that follow.
7. I will stop letting the smug woman behind the GPS navigation voice jeopardize my relationship, and surrender to the fact that maybe she does know best.
8. I will recognize that the only things that belong on the dinner table are food and cutlery, not my cellphone.
9. I will stop blaming public transit for my late arrival at the office every single morning and admit to myself (and my boss) that maybe I should be getting up 10 minutes earlier. Alternatively, I will think of some new excuses for my tardiness.
10. I will buy the $14 bottle of wine, not the $9 bottle. Yes, I want to save money, but the 12-hours-from-now version of me will appreciate my largesse.
11. I will listen to my mother and wear the appropriate footwear for the weather conditions.
12. I will actually pay attention to the auto-correct function on my phone and stop sending embarrassing typo-filled messages to friends and family. After all, “Did you show your boss?” is a very different question than “Did you show your boobs?”