American Idol, storm watchers and Oprah

1. Diplomatic immunity: I have a theory about ex-girlfriends. When you see her and she is all dressed up, flaws temporarily obscured, she suddenly looks good again. But move in together and you will soon be reminded of why and just how much you hated her. It never ends well. In unrelated news, Bob Rae was chosen as interim Liberal party leader this week.

2. Touchdown: Former Super Bowl MVP, Hines Ward, won the coveted Mirror Ball trophy on Dancing With The Stars this week, which is great because the only thing his friends will make fun of more than being on Dancing With The Stars is WINNING Dancing With The Stars!

3. The Story Of O: My mother was finally vindicated this week for her comments in 1986. After watching the first Oprah Winfrey Show, she stated, “Echh, this show will never last!”

4. The puck stops here: This week, the city of Vancouver revealed to the rest of the nation the secret to having a successful sports team : Don’t play in Toronto.

5. Weather, or not?: There’s nothing funny about the devastation caused by tornadoes in the central U.S. this week. What is funny is hearing the idiot with the video camera say, “UH-OH, IT’S COMING TOWARD ME! Aaaaah … THUMP!”

6. Diamond hoop dreams: Coming off his best NBA season, former Toronto Raptor and current New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries has deprived the North American singles scene of one of it’s prized members when he proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. This will make him brother-in-law to the Lakers’ Lamar Odom, which may be awkward should they face each other in next year’s NBA finals. Thankfully, if that happens, the event will take place in Fantasyland because he plays for the Nets!

7. Subliminal seduction: After repeatedly listening to Rihanna’s current hit, S & M, I believe I have uncovered subtle sexual undertones. My suspicions were confirmed when she opened the Billboard Music Awards in a titillating performance with Britney Spears that can best be described as “really slutty.” I, however, much preferred the post-show interview where Britney tells us how much she has grown as a mother.

8. American Idle observations: Great performances by Beyonce and Gaga. This just in — Tony Bennet is still alive … sort of. Is it me or did one-half of TLC have one too many BLTs? Marc Antony is one slick, bad-ass Latino stud. He married the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World,” and flaunted her before our eyes. And all the while, I was preoccupied with the night’s “Raison d’etre.” Scotty? Or Lauren? Whose musical career will I not follow first? Hmmm … it’s a tough choice.

I would like to bid American Idol farewell. Adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu. Good riddance.