We’ve finally reached the point in the season when the remaining four introduce Andi to their beloved families. They spend just enough time together to get to know and care about each other, only to have Andi turn around and dump 75% of their sons.
This week unfolds with Nick at an open air market in Wisconsin. Per local custom, Andi dons a cheese hat (and is presumably forced to pray before a shrine to the Packers off-camera.) Finally, they head to his family’s dwelling in a town called Waukesha, which is the name of every single town in Wisconsin.
Props to Nick’s mother, Maria, and her prolific uterus. She bore 11 kids over 26 years, just as Hobby Lobby intended. Andi steals away for a one-on-one with Nick’s youngest sister, who asks Andi what she likes about her bro. Andi tells the nine-year-old about the concept of “mental connections,” and wisely tells the girl that “it’s always better to pick the guy who isn’t as handsome but is a good person.” Which is REAAAAALLLLLYYYY rich coming from a woman whose vagina keeps sabotaging the rose ceremonies by holding onto a hot scalliwag like Josh.
Next up is Some Farm in Iowa, and we’re treated to a few shots of Farmer Chris riding a tractor in plaid and gazing out into the cornfields as if something in his life is missing…and could that thing be love??? Andi takes Chris’ nice house as evidence that he is a talented provider, although it is actually evidence of heavily subsidized Iowa corn combined with a low cost of living. I snark at Andi on my TV screen like, BAHAHAHAHA, GRRRL, U REALLY GONNA FALL FOR THIS FETISHIZED AMERICAN HEARTLAND STUFF??? DUDE PROBABLY VOTES REPUBLICAN BECAUSE OF ‘SELF-SUFFICIENCY’ EVEN THOUGH HE LIVES ON ECONOMICALLY OBSOLETE FEDERAL HANDOUTS!!!!!! And that is why Andi is giggling in the sunshine with a sexy Corn Prince, while I’m dropping pretzel crumbs down a sports bra that I’ve never actually exercised in.
Tampa, Florida is the next stop, where Josh and Andi start things out by chilling in an empty baseball field while Josh angsts over his Baseball Career That Wasn’t Really.I wish their baseball diamond date could be interrupted by a flashback vision of Nick’s cute kid sister being all “But Andi!!! YOU said to pick the guy who is not the most handsome, but is a good person!!!” So Andi would cackle and explain, “Oh, that’s just dumb crap you tell grade schoolers!” Because grown-ups pick athletes whose perfect teeth have the same sinister sparkle as conflict diamonds.
Lastly, we turn over to Marcus’ people in
Nazi-occupied Austria somewhere in Texas. Marcus takes his shirt off and we are suddenly reminded that the reason he is still here is that HIS ABS LOOK LIKE AN ICE CUBE TRAY. I have no idea why he took his shirt off, or why they’re in a dance club, because he’s too boring to pay attention to with a sweater on. But damn, do I wanna clone shirtless Marcus and make them stand side-by-side so I can play Connect 4 in their torsos.
CUT TO A SOMBER CHRIS HARRISON. He’s suddenly sitting with the four guys on a couch, waiting for Andi. He breaks the news that, during this episode’s filming, former contestant Eric Hill was killed in a paragliding accident. They cry and Josh seizes the chance to comfort Andi, that dirty dawg. They even break the Fourth Wall and show some members of the production crew grieving, too. It seems almost authentic, until you realize how much the chance to milk Eric’s tragic death must’ve popped ABC’s ratings boner. Like everything else on the show, it all feels kind of gross and weird. RIP, Eric.
BUT TRUE LOVE, THO.Everyone gets it together in time for the rose ceremony, and we say a final goodbye to Marcus’ abs. RIP, abs.
And then there were three.
Hey, Nick’s little sister!!! If you are reading this, I am sorry Andi lied to you about love. Let me break things down for you in a way you’ll understand.
So Chris the Farmer is like Simba from “The Lion King.” He is playful, sweet, and inherited a vast kingdom by the virtue of his birth. If you end up with a guy like him, you will live happily ever after even though the movie is based on “Hamlet,” so you should actually drown in a pool.
Nick, Your Brother, is Woody from “Toy Story. He’s a bit needling, and wears a scarf all the time, but is an ultimately decent dude. If you end up with a guy like him, you may spend 18 years together before you suddenly lose interest and pawn him off onto some younger chick to play with.
Marcus the Abs is Prince Eric from “The Little Mermaid” if Ursula accidentally stole his voice instead of Ariel’s. He is so dreamy that you won’t even realize he has nothing to say until you’ve already swapped out your fins for legs. On the plus side, you’re already used to making the most out of boring things. I mean, you brush your hair with a fork.
But beware, my dear, of Josh the Baseball-Clinging – the most dangerous of all. He is Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast.” He pays lots of attention to you!!! He’s the hottest guy in town!!! He’s roughly the size of a barge and YOU LOVE IT. But, one day, the chemistry will fade. And when it does, you’ll begrudgingly whip up his 60-egg breakfasts while he mocks you for reading books.
So, kiddo, take a cue from gals like Belle and me. Skip the Gastons, and just settle down with a hairy guy who’s nice to you.