Some folks’ dating histories resemble the trajectory of a rubber ball, bouncing around erratically from one relationship to the next. These serial rebounders likely haven’t been single since their dating lives involved curfews and parental guidance.
Odds are many of the rest of us have tried the quick rebound at least once, jumping directly into a new relationship (or maybe just a night of flirting, foreplay and perhaps more) as a temporary distraction from the hurt of a recent breakup.
Admittedly, for a while it does feel good, until the realization hits that this is not the real thing.
Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist and author of Dump That Chump, says although the occasional rebound relationship is not unhealthy, it does delay the feelings that we need to deal with from the previous relationship. “They will usually end up hitting you tenfold when you stop rebounding,” she says.
Mandel says the serial rebounding habit is often formed out of a fear of being alone and low self-esteem, which is perpetuated by bad relationships. “(People often) don’t have enough time to heal from one rebound relationship to the next,” she says. “Pretty soon into that new relationship they will see that they didn’t do the choosing themselves, they allowed themselves to be chosen. They are unhappy with the person they’re with … but are too afraid to leave and be alone.”
But even when a rebound relationship does look promising, it’s likely to be plagued with problems. “You are not going to be seeing the person you are with clearly if you have not dealt with your feelings from a previous relationship,” says Mandel.
“The risk to the new relationship is that all those feelings will come tumbling out and we’re more prone to projecting onto this new person stuff that came from past relationships, instead of what’s actually happening in the current relationship.”
Mandel recommends we give ourselves at least three months after a relationship ends. “Make an absolute firm commitment — no dating, no relationships. Just learn to date yourself.” Sure, it means we always get the cheque, but at least the company is enjoyable.
