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What women's desires tell us about love today

Credit: Wikimedia Commons What do women want? Love.
Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Austrian neurologist and psychologist Sigmund Freud’s famous statement: “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’” If you ask a woman what she wants, her answer will be entirely dependent on highly individualized circumstances: current wants, needs, mental state, age, family situation, hormonal status, and life experience up to the time the question is asked.

The good news for men, however, is there are some consistencies. Recent research shows that the top five “wants” of women are, in descending order:

#5: Good income. But this isn't about cash or material possessions. This is really about one thing: Security.


#4: Physical attractiveness. Can't get away from what makes the other person want/desire you.

#3: Intelligence. Mental stimulation and compatibility is critical.

#2: Leadership. Women want equality in a relationship, to be sure. But they also want a man to take the lead—in and out of the bedroom.

#1: Love. As social, nurturing creatures, this is always number one on her list.

But much of this is very general, and is still rooted in primal mating rituals. After a relationship has grown, some of the mystery disappears. After surveying and connecting with thousands of women on Facebook, women are spilling the beans on what they want from the men in their lives. This is by no means a complete list, but it has much to be considered.

Women want…

· their partner to talk with them, not talk at them.

· to be listened to, not merely heard.

· to vent and discuss their thoughts, without a man automatically trying to solve their problems.

· to be emotionally connected to their partner as equals in their relationships.

· to be respected.

· the freedom to be strong and bold without it being perceived as a threat to the man in their life.

· to be vulnerable and feminine, and have it be safe to act this way.

· a man to always remember that he’s a gentleman throughout a relationship, not just when first dating.

· their partner to know that whatever happens in the bedroom doesn’t need to be discussed with friends... and it certainly doesn’t set the tone for the rest of the relationship outside the bedroom (meaning: if she has a fetish for being spanked in private, that doesn't automatically mean he can spank her in public.).

· more than five minutes of foreplay.

· more than 10 minutes of foreplay.

· romance instead of material gifts.

· to trust and be trusted.

· a man to have a great sense of humor.

· to feel desired.

· to be able to tell a man the things listed above and for him not to think he: 1) Needs to solve all of it; and 2) That he is a failure and blame her if he can’t.

Above all, the overwhelming response has been very consistent: Women want men to remember that they are women who have wants, needs and desires. Women aren't just wives, girlfriends, and/or mothers... they are women who want to feel desired as women.


To those women who say, "All men are jerks!" - I think what you mean is that all the men YOU have been involved with are jerks. All men are NOT the same.

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There's a very good reason Fifty Shades of Grey is a smash-hit... and men should be paying attention.


Women think that their imperfections—stretch marks, a few extra pounds—make them unattractive...


500 men interviewed say that if they are really into her, none of those things matter!

Charles J. Orlando is relationship expert and author of the bestselling book series “The Problem with Women… is Men®.” Find out more about Charles on his website, or visit him on Facebook for real-world love advice.

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