“Bachelor in Paradise,” the newly-minted trashiest “Bachelor” spinoff yet, is a show for people who want to discuss feminist theory and the Israeli assault on Gaza. LOLOLOLOLOLOL JK it’s a show you go on if you want to call other girls “slutty bitches” and fight over some Ultimate Frisbee player named Bison.
The former “Bachelor” and “-ette” cast-offs of yore descend onto paradise one by one in a procession of cork wedges and canvas flip-flops. “I hope the guys aren’t douchey,” quoths one. “I don’t like douchey guys. Like, at all.”
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There are eight guys and five girls. One more mystery girl is en route. At the end of the episode, each guy gets to give out one rose. The two girls who don’t receive roses at the ceremony will be THROWN INTO THE OCEAN.
But hark! Next week, two new guys show up, and the interlopers try to shake up the fragile flings already in place. Next, the girls enact power at the rose ceremony. And the week after that, TWO MORE GIRLS. And so on, and so forth, until everyone is so sick of coconut-based cocktails that they threaten to hang themselves from a palm tree by their cascading blond hair extensions.
But wait!!! Are there date cards??? YOU BETTER BELIEVE THERE ARE DATE CARDS, PAL. The first one goes to Clare, who as I understand it was dissed by some Men’s Right’s Activist named Juan Pablo in a helicopter, but is ready to find love again. Anyway, she asks a guy named Graham to check out some Mayan ruins. Graham is 35, which is just as old in “Bachelor” years as the ruins they’re about to see.
But that old fortress isn’t the only thing in ruins. AshLee has set her sights so tightly on Graham that she races into a bathroom to cry after he accepts Clare's invitation. How could he do this, she wails. She’s already followed him on Instagram or something and he is literally the only reason why she is here in Paradise and MAYBE IF SHE HELD HER BREATH AND STOPPED BREATHING AND HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL GRAHAM WOULD FINALLY FALL IN LOVE WITH HER and sweet deity this woman is 34 years old.
But Clare just drops the issue by inviting Robert instead. Everyone weighs in on the degree to which AshLee is crazy without even asking why the fourth letter of her name is capitalized.
Then Sarah goes on a date with Marcus. He is all abs and no soul, and she seems nice because she only has one arm.Hot Lacy gets all whimpery when Sarah picks Marcus, because she liked Robert and Marcus but they both got dates with other girls. And I yell SHUT UP. WHAT??? NOOOOOOO whenever she is onscreen, because her boobs look like if you stuck two planetary orbs in a bikini top.
Remember how there is a mystery girl? Well SHE IS HERE NOW and it is MICHELLE MONEY. And she showed up with enough hot pink blush to contour her cheekbones into a chiseled shiv to stab any bitch that stands in her way.
Michelle used to date Graham, because they are both in their 30s and practically dead. So they sit down for a wee heart-to-heart and it is revealed that they have a secret handshake like the one that twee Lindsay Lohan had with the jaunty butler in “The Parent Trap.” ALRIGHTY THEN, HOT LOSERS.
The editors then stretch anticipation for the rose ceremony for a solid 35 minutes and I LITERALLY MIGHT DIE ON THIS IKEA COUCH. Anyway, here are the final pairings:
Marquel picks Michelle Money, after they go on some horse date
Dylan picks Elise because they are both basic blonds who kissed once
Marcus picks Lacy, who admitted to being torn between Marcus and Robert, 80/40
Robert picks Clare, because Lacy’s already taken and he’s pissssssed even though $50 says he hasn’t looked at her face yet
Ben picks Sarah because he didn’t talk to anyone and her birth defect makes her seem inspirational and don’t be a dick, bro
With all this drama, will the cast find themselves in too deep?!?! At least a cork wedge doubles as a floatation device.