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'Bachelor in Paradise' recap: Episode 3, 'Week Three'

This episode begins with a reminder that Elise and Dylan’s tumultuous, 1.3 episode-long romance was too intense to survive, and Elise is thus reduced to macking on Chris the Consolation Prize. “That was the storm,” Elise tells us of the drama she ‘weathered’ with Dylan. “This is the rainbow.”

A cute new vulture named Danielle struts into Paradise and threatens to shake up the embryonic couplings with her PREDATORY WOMANHOOD. She asks Marquel on a date to the colonial city of Campeche, Mexico, which sends Michelle into a tailspin of Oh No She Didn’t-ry. Because Michelle spent a lot of last episode talking to Marquel, and if that doesn’t constitute a reality TV property claim, what does?!?!

Luckily, Elise soon gets her chance to prove how over Dylan she is by taking Chris on a date. “Chris and I could make a beautiful rainbow together,” she says, because isn’t wasting a good metaphor just as bad as a rainstorm??? I’m not exactly sure where they are on their date, but REST ASSURED there is a hot tub there and NOT TO WORRY because, yes, they smooch in it.

paradise was inside of each of us all along paradise was inside of each of us all along

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A girl named Jackie shows up next, and she is also in a Marquel mood, so she takes him on a date EVEN THOUGH HE JUST WENT ON A DATE WITH DANIELLE. Shots of Jackie and Marquel having fun are spliced with close-ups of Danielle being VERY PEEVED AND UNCOOL WITH IT so that we are reminded that nothing is easy in Paradise. “I normally don’t kiss on the first date,” Marquel tells Jackie on the beach. “I usually don’t either,” she replies. But then…they do it anyway because sometimes you have to just open yourself up to true love.

Cut to a cuddling Marcus and Lacy, who are so intertwined that they may technically count as just one person, now. They snuggle on a hammock together and I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT COULD BE COMFORTABLE. Perhaps...your limbs don’t fall asleep in Paradise? (Also, Lacy’s Disney Princess eyelashes have to be eyelid wigs.)

We revisit Elise and Chris the next morning, and it is revealed that they BECAME AQUAINTED BIBLICALLY. Elise is high off her sculpted ass on oxytocin, and starts hallucinating their charmed future together. Chris complains about some knee pain from tripping earlier, and Elise nurses him to solidify her romantic claim to him. “This is my man now forever,” she says, crazily.

Ashley and Graham finally get their one-on-one next, which is good since at 35, Graham is the oldest guy in the house and this might be the last date he ever gets before he is mercifully euthanized by the Bachelor franchise. They have a night out in Campeche but decide it wouldn’t be right to spend the night together, and it is disorienting getting morally preached at by contestants with multiple “Bachelor” brand spinoffs between them.

But there’s no time to dwell on that, because HERE COMES THE ROSE CEREMONY YOU WERE SORT OF WAITING FOR. How is this show two hours long???? I am in my 20s and live in the best city in the world and I am squandering it on sun-kissed aspiring actors who own way too many swimsuits to be trusted.

Anyway. Clare gets a rose from Zack, because they had some sort of romantic moment watching a turtle earlier.

Lacy gets a rose from Marcus, because once you find someone in this crazy world who's as hot and boring as you are, you hold onto them and never, ever, ever let them go, even if their elbow is jabbing into your kidney in a hammock.

Sarah gets a rose from Robert, because everyone’s going to give it a few episodes before being a jack-ass to the girl with one arm.

AshLee gets a rose from Graham because if this doesn’t work out, he’ll age out of good reality TV, and be stuck with fishing shows, or inventing some iPhone-compatible version of Life Alert for Shark Tank

Elise gets a rose from Chris, but WAIT. That knee thing is still really bugging him, so he has to leave the show and can’t actually give her a rose. BUT. Would Elise come with him back to Chicago?!!???

She makes one more storm/rainbow analogy, AND ACCEPTS. Then Chris offers his rose to Michelle, because he believes she deserves to stay on the show love.

We are #blessed with a dénouement video compilation of Elise and Chris’ love story, which is probably only in slow-mo so that it lasts long enough to fill the allotted time. Given the production value of Bachelor in Paradise, it looks like karaoke stock footage.

Godspeed, Chris and Elise. May your love defy meteorology and be forever filled with rainbows.

 
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