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"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Episode 4, 'Week Four'

Some things are hard to watch in a “Human Centipede” sort of way. Other things in an “American History X” sort of way. Does “Bachelor in Paradise” warrant its own category of unwatchability?

NO U JOYLESS CRONE, says Twitter. Indeed, the #BachelorInParadise hashtag is full of the kind of brainless drivel dissed by Plato in “The Republic,” when he argued that basic bitches are not fit to rule just societies.

While a Zombie Plato wouldn’t want #BachelorInParadise fans to govern and vote on nuclear disarmament policy, he did believe in direct democracy. LOL JKJKJKJKJKJK He totally didn’t. But PLATO IS NOT THE BOSS OF MY METRO RECAPS. So I’m crowdsourcing this one!!!! Here’s last night’s episode, in the words of people who opened themselves up to love in a way that I never could.

https://twitter.com/alyssacabralxo/statuses/502224754003439616

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Yep, so, Michelle is still here.

https://twitter.com/RealistACop/status/504117782615564288

Very, very interesting…come to think of it, I've never ever seen Michelle Money and the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in the same room. COINCIDENCE?!?!!?

https://twitter.com/kristalizee/status/504288959166685184

Robert and Sarah hitting it off makes Michelle sad, but Twitter is LOVING IT. The hearts-for-eyes emoji isn't deployed for NO REASON

https://twitter.com/BachParadise/status/504059332921917440

Even though Sarah got a date with Robert, Michelle helped her do her hair. This tweet was favorited by 114 people. Anyway, recent estimates suggest that up to one third of the casualties of American drone strikes are civilians.

https://twitter.com/janzyland/status/504116508310503424

NEW CALENDAR EVERYONE, IT IS YEAR ZERO NOW. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR BOOKS

https://twitter.com/jdlbx93/status/504060896671707137

Cody asked Claire out on a date, but she's canoodled with Zack for like two episodes already. She has a decision to make, andJessica is here to raise the stakes.MOVE OVER, TITULAR SCENE IN "SOPHIE'S CHOICE.

https://twitter.com/courtneyyroyerr/status/504067481628319744

Ok, so, Claire turned Cody down and he decided that if he can't have Claire, HE SHALL HAVE NO ONE and then gave his date card to Marcus. Cold words from courtney, though. My boyfriend has literally never given up a date card for me and I'm starting to realize he is not an #amazingguy

https://twitter.com/KammiiForever/status/504272866297118722

GIRL HOW DO U PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME

https://twitter.com/BiancaIafrate/status/504318413913993217

Lacy's boobs would have made Euclid quit geometry

https://twitter.com/nique_gray/status/504072506928824321

A guy named Kallon is here? Anyway, everyone hates him and he goes on a date alone. Oh, and he's followed by Jesse

https://twitter.com/mousikia/status/504074106346938369

OH SHIT LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO SARAH

https://twitter.com/tolduso55/status/504129856863358976

Wait, did someone bury Planned Parenthood? That is literally the one thing I told you NEVER to do and you did it. Now I'm extremely mad

https://twitter.com/BrianneMarie_/status/504199882966843392

Why all of the private concerts, "Bachelor" franchise? Who would like this?! IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY FART, THE SOUND WILL BOUNCE OFF ALL THE CAVE WALLS AND INTERRUPT THE BAND

https://twitter.com/paigeleachxo/status/504130224859398144

A sobering anatomy lesson.

https://twitter.com/AmandaTVScoop/status/503546219193712640

like literally DROP YOUR BABY IF YOU HAVE TO.AshLee called Claire a slut, and now one of them must die as writ by 18th Century honor duels.

https://twitter.com/m411ory/status/504126351641554944

Pot and Kettle are a #HotNewCoupleInParadise

https://twitter.com/ChrisHandsomeH/status/504127210614038528

Chris Harrison has nothing short of never read poetry

…BUT WAIT

https://twitter.com/AmeliaRad00/status/504131670421684224

UGH, this is a two-parter. NO. NO, I JUST FINISHED. THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.This show is already two hours long. Why do we have to do this again???? Can't anyone see these recaps are a cry for helpppp

https://twitter.com/CotySimon/status/504101193778343936

Fingernails?!?! Gurrrrrl, please. Please, gurrrrl. I've already chewed my way down to my wrists, and I'm going to keep on going until I can feel again

Grade: I no longer even remember the alphabet

 
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