Some things are hard to watch in a “Human Centipede” sort of way. Other things in an “American History X” sort of way. Does “Bachelor in Paradise” warrant its own category of unwatchability?
NO U JOYLESS CRONE, says Twitter. Indeed, the #BachelorInParadise hashtag is full of the kind of brainless drivel dissed by Plato in “The Republic,” when he argued that basic bitches are not fit to rule just societies.
While a Zombie Plato wouldn’t want #BachelorInParadise fans to govern and vote on nuclear disarmament policy, he did believe in direct democracy. LOL JKJKJKJKJKJK He totally didn’t. But PLATO IS NOT THE BOSS OF MY METRO RECAPS. So I’m crowdsourcing this one!!!! Here’s last night’s episode, in the words of people who opened themselves up to love in a way that I never could.
Yep, so, Michelle is still here.
Very, very interesting…come to think of it, I've never ever seen Michelle Money and the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in the same room. COINCIDENCE?!?!!?
Robert and Sarah hitting it off makes Michelle sad, but Twitter is LOVING IT. The hearts-for-eyes emoji isn't deployed for NO REASON
Even though Sarah got a date with Robert, Michelle helped her do her hair. This tweet was favorited by 114 people. Anyway, recent estimates suggest that up to one third of the casualties of American drone strikes are civilians.
NEW CALENDAR EVERYONE, IT IS YEAR ZERO NOW. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR BOOKS
Cody asked Claire out on a date, but she's canoodled with Zack for like two episodes already. She has a decision to make, andJessica is here to raise the stakes.MOVE OVER, TITULAR SCENE IN "SOPHIE'S CHOICE.
Ok, so, Claire turned Cody down and he decided that if he can't have Claire, HE SHALL HAVE NO ONE and then gave his date card to Marcus. Cold words from courtney, though. My boyfriend has literally never given up a date card for me and I'm starting to realize he is not an #amazingguy
GIRL HOW DO U PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME
Lacy's boobs would have made Euclid quit geometry
A guy named Kallon is here? Anyway, everyone hates him and he goes on a date alone. Oh, and he's followed by Jesse
OH SHIT LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO SARAH
Wait, did someone bury Planned Parenthood? That is literally the one thing I told you NEVER to do and you did it. Now I'm extremely mad
Why all of the private concerts, "Bachelor" franchise? Who would like this?! IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY FART, THE SOUND WILL BOUNCE OFF ALL THE CAVE WALLS AND INTERRUPT THE BAND
A sobering anatomy lesson.
like literally DROP YOUR BABY IF YOU HAVE TO.AshLee called Claire a slut, and now one of them must die as writ by 18th Century honor duels.
Pot and Kettle are a #HotNewCoupleInParadise
Chris Harrison has nothing short of never read poetry
UGH, this is a two-parter. NO. NO, I JUST FINISHED. THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.This show is already two hours long. Why do we have to do this again???? Can't anyone see these recaps are a cry for helpppp
Fingernails?!?! Gurrrrrl, please. Please, gurrrrl. I've already chewed my way down to my wrists, and I'm going to keep on going until I can feel again
Grade: I no longer even remember the alphabet