Have you been holding your breath since the last Bachelor in Paradise recap? If so, my sincerest apologies/congrats for being able to read from BEYOND THE GRAVE. On the plus side, being dead would make this show easier to watch.

Anyway, we open on Marcus and Lacy tanning each other’s hearts out and cooing about how they’re falling for each other. Marcus gets a date card, and brings Lacy on a tour of some underwater cave that is full of bats. She squeals in fear and he squeezes her tight. He says that “I like being the man, and keeping her safe.” How encouraging that he is prepared for future bat threats.

Cut to Cody, who recently professed his love for Michelle. He is doing squat thrusts with a massive boulder he found somewhere. It looks like what Sisyphus would have had to do if there wasn’t a mountain nearby. This appears to be how Cody does his thinking. He is thinking about: Michelle.

brawn brawn

 

This episode’s first newcomer is a dude named Brooks, who without a shirt on looks exactly like every other guy here. They are all wearing tropical YOLO necklaces, and Twitter assures me this is because the necklaces are actually cleverly concealed microphones. Much like how in “The Little Mermaid,” Ariel gave her voice to Ursula for three days in a necklace you’d get complimented on at a Dave Matthew’s concert.

Brooks goes on a date with Jackie, who is the girl with brown hair who is not Michelle. They have all the chemistry you’d expect out of two attractive people who have the personalities of brooms.

New guy Tasos shows up next, whose claim to fame on Andi’s season was not having his goodbye aired because of a dead fellow cast member. He is here to reclaim the thunder that was rightfully his. He asks Christy out on a date, who gleefully accepts. Christy has been wasting her time with a contestant named Jesse, who is a wormy Men’s Rights Activist who could make anyone sparkle in comparison. Tasos comes off as a unicorn hunk and Christy is saved!

That’s all that happened in just over 90 minutes, plus commercials. Bachelor Nation stares off into space, drooling.

ROSES!
Lacy gives one to Marcus
AshLee gives one to Graham
Sarah gives one to Robert
Michelle gives one to Cody
Brooks and Jesse return to the Pacific Sunwear franchise FROM WHENCE THEY CAME

Grade: D