like, what possible reason can there be for this? like, what possible reason can there be for this?

After a two-week programming hiatus, Andi Dorfman and The Dudes (which would make a rad band name,) are whisked away to Marseille, France. Some poor production intern at ABC helped set the mood by tracking down countless harmonica and accordion tracks. Because, BONJOUR, LA FRANCE.

Host Chris Harrison had one of his presence-justifying pow-wows with Andi at a charming café. Are you in love, asked the extraneous narrative anchor. Stop, Andi replied, her eye twinkling.

The first one-on-one went to Josh, which we’ve been waiting for. Andi has been buying into his faux-demure poppycock all season, even though he’s got something to hide that's even more insidious than his obvious eyebrow waxes. He played up his sensitive sensitive-hearted athlete crap and Andi was probably distracted thinking about his abs? Anyway, they were on a boat.

 

See, Josh has been victimized because girls think that he’s just one of those athlete guys, even though he would never, ever be that guy! Andi had to admit that, yeah, she was initially kinda worried he was one of those guys, and maybe that’s not fair, if he’s actually really not. Luckily, he had some story cued up about an ex girlfriend who assumed the worst of him, even though he totally didn't do anything, but she was CRAZY and wouldn’t believe him, and in conclusion #NotAllFormerBaseballPlayers.

If I met Josh I’d a.) ask him politely to take his shirt off, and b.) call him a A POOR MAN’S ANATOLY KURAGIN FROM "WAR AND PEACE," which is a very sick burn that Josh would not appreciate. In the book, hot douche Anatoly basically took the pretty, naïve Natasha for a total ride even though he had a wife in Poland already. Then he bounced, and left Natasha utterly ruined in the eyes of society. Long story short, he ended up getting his leg amputated during the Napoleonic Wars as a sort of comeuppance for being the original inspiration for TLC’s “No Scrubs.” YOU HEAR THAT, JOSH? JUSTICE IS COMING FOR YOUR SEXILY TONED LEG.

The group date ends up being a lesson with a mime, and an impromptu street performance in matching striped shirts and suspenders. They dance around, onlookers gape, and it is all very embarrassing. JJ is a good sport and starts miming with Andi, and Nick is not having any of this and is a bad sport about the whole thing. But instead of saying, “yeah, forcing men to sexually compete for me by miming is kinda weird and I get why you hate it,” Andi is disappointed in Nick’s wet blanketry. God, does he even believe in love?

More drama unfolds at the cocktail party – Nick is a cocky monster, agree the dudes. Cody chimed in about how Nick made fun of him once, which was just not okay, you know? “Arrogance is not a quality that a gentleman has,” added Patrick, who was apparently hoping to instigate a duel by musket. Chris the Farmer tattled to Andi about it. Because in the words of Elie Weisel, “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”

Andi confronted Nick, who apologized and just said it’s just that, it’s hard to have to share her with all the other guys. Andi accepted the apology but later confessed, “it got complicated with Nick tonight.”

The next one-on-one was with Brian the basketball guy. They enjoyed a private screening of a movie called “The Hundred Foot Journey” about love, food, France, etc. By the way, the movie is American and hasn’t even come out yet, so they obviously watched it because the studio paid for plot-integrated advertising it was soooo romantic. Next they bought fresh market ingredients to cook together and Brian sucked at it (because the only things Brian is adept at is basketball and silently watching movies.) Andi was worried they didn’t have chemistry anymore, and why can’t he be the confident dude she kissed on the basketball court?! (Um, I guess maybe just build your dumb dream cottage and live out your entire lives on a basketball court so as to keep him in his element?) Also, ANDI.What the dang hell. Tie your hair back when you’re cooking. I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH THE CAMERA LOVES YOUR LUSCIOUS, SHINY LOCKS.

Andi was so shell-shocked by the drama between the guys that she couldn’t even handle another cocktail party before the rose ceremony LEST HER RESOLVE SHOULD WAVER. She'd made her decision already and nothing could ever, ever change that.

The au revoirs went to:

Andrew: He’s been edited into a villain but is actually more of a weiner who looks like my friend Bryan, a non-weiner. At least he’s free to call the waitress he allegedly got a phone number from a few episodes ago.

Patrick: Even though he’s one of the hottest dudes there, he has been boring enough to mostly edit out, which is still better than Cody, whose stupid blond faux-hawk I am WAITING FOR ANDI TO NOTICE.

Marquel: Ugh, I want to live in an America where a handsome, charming black guy like Marquel gets to be edited into an actual person instead of a guy who bakes black and white cookies, GET IT?!?! or a plot device to confront a goob like Andrew about racism.

Oh, according to the preview, next week ANDI CRIES. And also everything is different. Finally, the credits rolled over one more moment from Andi’s stupid magical date with Josh. A bird pooped on his expensive, excessively buttoned sweater and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

Whatever. #TEAMBIRD

Grade: C

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