Pigeons are disgusting, why are you doing this? Pigeons are disgusting, why are you doing this?

 

Benvenuto to Venice, y’all. But who will stay afloat in this sinking city?!

 

Everyone bet their euros on Cody getting the first one-on-one date, since he’s the only one who hasn’t had one yet. And you’d think I’d by now be immune to the trickery of this show’s skillful post-production editing staff, but noooo. Because I was as surprised as anyone when she instead zeroed in on Nick for a day of whimsical boats and whatever the heck else you do in a city that’s halfway underwater.

 

“I do kinda feel like the odd duck out,” Cody confessed, his sadness debilitating his aptitude for English idioms. He hoped, alas, to be chosen next time.

 

Nick and Andi sauntered over a charming little bridge to a charming little square. They then giggled and played with pigeons, which are the flying garbage of birds. Andi admitted that she chose Nick because last week he was maybe acting like a scrub, to which he replied, nah. He explained that the other guys are just pissed because Nick is confident that Andi is into him, and can he help it if they’re being h8ers? Then he said some mushy stuff, romantic music started playing, and Andi was happy again.

Oh, then they had dinner for two in an exquisite centuries-old cathedral, even though your second date should be getting drunk on beer and swapping college stories. And what is going on with all these private concerts? Not fun. Why aren’t they like, “Er…can that cellist hear us? Does he think I sound dumb?”

GROUP DATE! The crew strolls around and passes a puppet show, a bread guy and a shoemaker. Then they roll up to a straight-up MEDIEVAL FORTRESS DUNGEON with armor and swords and stuff. Dylan comments that it’s pretty much the most unromantic setting ever, which suggests he’s never logged onto Kink.com.

Anyway, two Italians show up with a lie detector because Andi is all about honesty. She takes the test first and fields dopey softballs like “are you falling in love?” The guys field a few Qs next. Dylan gets some crap for admitting he doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom, even though that isn't as gross as letting pigeon feathers TOUCH YOUR FACE. Those filthy animals would eat diapers.

They are all generally good sports. Except for Josh, who is like, SO PISSED. He repeatedly tells the camera stuff like, “I believe relationships are based on trust so why don’t you trust me, huh?! Huh?!? HUH?!?!?! He insists that he is honest, He’s just hurt she doesn’t trust him. And it’s like SHUT UP YOU SEXY LYING MONSTER. I want to unravel your painstakingly tied fashion scarf and BLOW MY NOSE ON IT.

When the lie detector results come back, Andi inexplicably rips them up without peeking, which is sort of a rude thing to do in front of those Italians who wasted an afternoon polygraphing a bunch of American reality TV stars. And it’s also a rude thing to do in front of me, because that would have been the most interesting thing all episode, and I really wanted that envelope full of truth to TAKE JOSH DOWN.

Oh, we also found out that Chris the Nice Farmer is the one who’s been writing Andi love notes from ‘a secret admirer,’ which was a laboriously drawn-out plot point considering that they’re all on a show competing for her in the first place. Like, aren’t they all not-so-secret admirers? Whatever, Iowa. Your job only exists because my tax dollars illogically prop up your dumb corn.

Sad Cody finally gets his one-on-one in Verona, which we are exhaustively reminded was the setting of “Romeo and Juliet.” Andi and Cody proceed to talk about the play like they have no idea how it ends. They visit the alleged inspiration for the famous balcony scene, where they are informed that people from around the world write letters to Juliet asking her for love advice.

Hold up. Why do people do that? For one thing, Juliet is batting zero for one when it comes to success in love. She killed herself over a teenage crush. And then they expect her to respond from beyond the fictional grave?!?!?!

Andi and Cody answer a few letters and then it’s suppertime. Cody showed up in the most ridiculous outfit I’ve ever seen a man who wasn’t joking wear. He started professing his love, which was corny and very embarrassing. Never, ever bear pectoral cleavage and talk about feelings at the same time. To her credit, Andi cut him off and divulged that she really just thinks of him as a buddy, but she mustered a few tears as she sent him home just to be nice.

Sorry, bro. Trust me: if Romeo had ever shown up in a deep V-neck, Juliet would’ve guzzled poison a lot sooner.

After an uneventful cocktail party, Andi bid arrivederci to JJ. To which I say, NOOOOOOOOOOO. JJ was my favorite, because he seems like the kind of guy who'd be down for getting drunk and judging everyone at a party. So maybe Andi, unlike me, doesn’t need someone to grow old and bitchy with. But wouldn’t a goof like JJ be more fun than spending eternity mumbling about basketball with Brian, whose basic face sprouts necklessly from his shoulders LIKE A FREAKING DEMON?!

Andi, you really must be in Europe. Cuz you trippin.’

Grade: C