Pippa Middleton and James Matthews — two British people who, although rich, are not royalty — had the society wedding of the year in May. The Duchess of Cambridge, Middleton’s sister Kate, was there! Other fancy British people in insane hats made appearances! Even Meghan Markle stopped by the reception afterwards! It was, as far as British parties go, lit.
Now, Middleton, 33 and her husband Matthews, 41, are on their honeymoon, and enjoying a spot of so-called adventure in Sydney, Australia. Or at least, that’s what Hello! Magazine wants you to believe — the site refers to the pair as “a daredevil couple” just because they “braved the iconic Sydney Harbour Bridge climb.” Not to brag, but I did that too. And it’s not hard or adventurous. It’s basic AF. It’s literally just very slow walking.
You know what else is basic? Strolling around hand in hand in French Polynesia, which they did. Holding hands is basic! You know what else is basic? Starting your day off with a jog through Sydney’s historic Royal Botanic Gardens — which they did! Exercising is basic. What are you trying to be, healthy and better than the rest of us? Oh you are? OK, that’s fine actually.
As you may recall, the pair wed in an extraordinarily lavish ceremony on May 20. Afterward, at the reception, Matthews’ best man compared his new wife to his dog, which was very chill of him. The bawdy groomsman started off nicely, calling Middleton the love of Matthews’ life, deeming her “beautiful” and “energetic” and “loyal” and… “soft-mouthed.” He added that she “comes on command” and has a “great behind.” Oh, dear. “But that’s enough about James’ spaniel,” he quipped. “I'm here to talk about James’ love, Pippa.” Truly, it was a nightmare.
Anyway, a happy continued honeymoon to these two rich kids. May it be everything that basics dream of.