Scandal! Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara held hands at Cannes

What do we have here? A low-key celebrity couple?!
Joaquin Phoenix Rooney Mara Debut Cannes Closing Ceremony
Joaquin and Rooney and Cannes. Photo: Getty Images

Joaquin Phoenix just won some very important award (Best Actor, perhaps you’ve heard of it?) at the Cannes Film Festival. Prestige! Success! All of that. But more importantly, he and girlfriend Rooney Mara kind of made their debut at the closing ceremony. So let’s just focus on what’s important, eh?

First there was nuzzling.
Vulture reports that “You Were Never Really Here,” the film that earned Phoenix his golden-leaf prize, premiered at 10 p.m. the night before the awards, and they’d seen “Joaquin nuzzling Rooney’s neck as they headed home around 2 a.m.” Nuzzling isn’t so bad as canoodling, but it’s still pretty bad.

Then there was the smiling and the chatting.
People reports that Mara, 30, and Phoenix, 42, were smiling and chatting throughout Cannes’ closing ceremony, which kind of seems rude because like, should you guys even be talking during a fancy ceremony? The magazine has the sordid details. “At one point, the actor was even seen resting his hand on Mara’s leg.” Woah, woah, woah! Save it for your special alone time, guys.

They also reportedly shared a “warm embrace” and held hands once. Scandal!

Then he shared a charming anecdote about his girlfriend.
At a press conference, Phoenix admitted he didn’t think he was going to win, or anything. “Before I came here, I told my girlfriend it was going to be a really good experience because I was going to get crushed and that would be really humbling. I thought it would be great to know what it’s like to be unanimously disliked. That was my expectation coming here, so this is, um, better.” Right-o!

In closing: things are getting serious, or whatever! Which um, makes sense: The two actors supposedly started a romance on the set of “Mary Magdalene,” a film that is unironically being referred to as a biblical epic. Phoenix is playing the role of Jesus, and Mara is playing the titular role of Mary Magdalene, of course.

And that has been the requisite update on... Roonquin? Joaquiney? Neither of those are very good, but I’ll workshop it.