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A ranking of Brad Pitt's most eligible exes

Because it's tough to be Hollywood's most eligible bachelor.

Is Brad Pitt dating any number of his exes at this very moment? Maybe. Or at least, he could if he wanted to. Apparently, the brooding Bon Iver enthusiast is fending off advances from “multiple wannabe replacements for Angelina Jolie.” Impressive!

A source tells Page Six that the 53-year-old has been “hit on by some women, stalked by others,” and contacted by a bevy of his exes. What’s a man to do?

As William Bradley Pitt well knows, I would love to help him make the crucial decision of deciding between which one of his exes he can’t be bothered to commit to right now. Let’s rank these beautiful, talented starlets from “That’s a horrible idea, would not recommend,” to “Yeah, maybe you could entertain the idea of that some time in the future when you’re finished being Sad Brad Pitt.”

Kate Hudson
Despire rumors earlier this year that Pitt and Hudson were secretly copulating or whatever, Hudson has been proving really hard that she already has a boy toy, and frankly, the 37-year-old is going through some custody battle troubles of her own, so. Recommendation: Hard pass on this one, Pitt. Ghost her, please.

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Gwyneth Paltrow
Here’s the thing about Paltrow, 44: I actually can’t with her. I mean, can you imagine Pitt with someone who has a lifestyle brand and decided to name it Goop? I cannot. Recommendation: Maybe a quick, secretive fling, but nothing more.

Thandie Newton
Sure, the 44-year-old has a husband. But! She’s intelligent, she doesn’t take anybody’s s—, and based on having seen the entirety of her nude body in “Westworld,” homegirl still got it. Recommendation: Definitely consider sometime in the future, but don’t break up her marriage or anything.

Juliette Lewis
Pitt has two modes of attraction: passionate women with a wild streak — Angelina Jolie, anyone? — and blondes that are perfectly fine and do a lot of Pilates — yes, I’m talking about Jennifer Aniston. Lewis, 43, is the prior. Which suits Pitt more, I think. What could go wrong? Recommendation: Let’s give it a go, she’s single, it could really work. But take your time, don't rush into anything. Let your heart heal, man. OK, yeah man, I get that. But I'm looking out for you, OK?

Despite my suggestions, which came primarily from my heart, Pitt is reportedly "not interested" in rekindling with any of his exes. Hopefully today, he’ll come to his senses and change his mind. Either way, I'm here to help, man. Let me know if you ever need my sound advice again in the future.

 
 
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