"Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry" "Matt, 23, Not Really Prince Harry"

 

At least one of the contestants on Fox's fake-princereality show thinks there's no way the queen of England would let her grandson hang out with a bunch of "American ding dongs." Yet, currently,two of those ding dongs do believe that anonymous British boy Matt Hicks is in fact Harry, Prince of Wales. And one of them, apparently, knows how to write with her butt. Here's your recap of Episode 2, presented in a list of this weeks superlative's.

 

• Best catty comment:
Part of Rose's prize, upon being "elevated to the Crown Suite" last week, is a day date with "Sir" (how they're currently addressing the mystery man). The rest of girls jealously watch the couple leave the castle in a helicopter — except contestant Anna Lisa (who is Miss Los Angeles), who remains seated at the breakfast table, casually says,"It's okay: I've been on a helicopter before," and exhibits an eye roll worthy of her crown.

 

• Most(literally) unbelievable quote:
While Rose and Sir dine on the beach at the Isle of Wight, she notices a couple of imposing men with ear pieces guarding both sides of the beach, and says,"I've never been on any kind of date where security was following us." Really? I find it hard to believe this self-described "naughty" girl has never been arrested.

 

• Best bit of editing magic:
Meghan and Anna Lisa criticize Maggie for getting disastrously drunk. So Jacqueline, buoyed by her own drunkenness, confronts Meghan and Anna Lisa, calling them mean girls. Then Meghan stands, bends over, pretends to shove her hand up her butt and shouts, "I could eat alphabet soup and shit something out that would make more sense than what you're saying right now." The very next shot is a cut-to of Meghan saying, "I think Jackie is not princess material." This is the reason I watch.

 

• Best history lesson:
Instead of playing cricket with Matt during the afternoon group date, Andrea was assigned to make tea and sandwiches, for later, when the group breaks for high tea. She'd wanted to show Matt how athletic she was, but instead, she says in frustration,"I'm serving tea — like a pioneer lady." Truly the pioneer women were known for their excellent tea and delicate cucumber sandwiches, and especially for achieving the incredible feat of serving it to British royalty all the way over from a different continent.

• Most uncomfortable moment:
The most cultural substance I can wrench from the last episode is the evident discomfort and surprise drawn out of Matt by these forward, sexually aggressive American ding dongs. Jacqueline explains, after a one-on-one with Sir: "I have to hold my tongue sometimes because I want to say inappropriate things I have to remember I'm a lady."Maggie was less concerned when she pretended to investigate Matt's stylish jacket just so she could touch his chest. Moments later, concocting no ruse whatsoever, she steps behind him and gently pats his butt. The look on his face during these interactions is priceless. I feel less embarrassment for the girls than I do for Brits: Catch up already, you painfully proper wags.

• Best low-class moments:
Maybe I'm a reverse snob, but I found the girls' reactions to their white-glove-service dinner endearing.Maggie doesn't know what any of the silverware is for, and announces she's never even seen of this kind of food: "What is this? A sea urkin?"Investigating her own seafood appetizer, Andrea raises a mussel to her face and suspiciously smells it.Maggie decides she's game, swallows an oyster, and then gags involuntarily three times before finally relaxing.Andrea checks her makeup and hair with the side of her silver knife.

• Most audacious assumption that we're idiots:
The producers don't seem to care how obvious it is that half of Matt's confessionals were shot months after the rest of the show. Not only does he have a different hairstyle, but he's 2-3 shades paler. Sadly, in these blatantly delayed shots, he also comes off as a bit more conceited — a spoiler of sorts, perhaps?

• Most apt analogy:
When Andrea is asked to leave, she expresses shock because, at homein her pageants,she's usually the first runner-up. We're not sure if this is true or accidental genius, but it's accurate: these dating shows are nothing more than pageants.

• Most adorable moment:
When Kimberly is "elevated" to the Crown Suite, she's awestruck by the room, gasping and saying, "This is what it looks like!" and "Stuff like this doesn't happen to me — I don't even win bingo," and "It smells like peppermint."

• Most lingering questions:
How many ways can Matt avoid answering the question of who he is? Particularly when reality dating shows rely on footage of contestants getting to know each other.Also, the Isle of Wight? How many romantic spots will the producers be able to conjure in the UK?

• Strongest suggestion that Kingsley the butler will turn out to be royalty:
The withering downward gaze he adds to the end of each sentence. That kind of judgement of commoners can't be faked.