50 Shades Freed Dakota Johnson
My girl Ana is "Freed," but not from the patriarchy, am I right? Universal Pictures.

Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end: this Friday, the final film in the Fifty Shades trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed will be released. Somehow, it manages to be boring, bland and essentially a two-hour-long Audi commercial about one-percenters with a fleeting interest in butt plugs.

 

Somewhere between Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Freed the series became less about misunderstanding the basic tenets of the BDSM lifestyle, and more about unbridled white privilege and forgetting to take one’s birth control. What I’m saying is the final film in the Fifty Shades trilogy is not remotely sexy, sensual or otherwise palatable in any way.

 

You want proof? Here are the five least sexy moments of Fifty Shades Freed.

 

When Christian braids Ana’s hair.
It’s clear to me that this couple wouldn’t know sexy if it broke into their apartment and taunted them with empty threats (to be clear, a character does do this. And it’s sexier than anything Christian or Ana do in the entire movie). Also, let this be known: Christian is no Chris Pratt, plait-wise.

“I love what you’re doing in Africa.”
A sexy architect type says this to Christian, which makes us wonder: What is it, exactly, Christian is doing in Africa? Banging ladies? Building wells? Nobody mentions it again, so I suppose we’ll never know.

Christian and Ana’s honeymoon montage.
Mr. and Mrs. Grey run around in the rain on cobblestone streets and gaze upon the Eiffel Tower and it’s all just awfully basic of them.

When Ana drives Christian’s car.
It makes them both horny, which is weird, because it’s not like this is Speed. Speed is a way better movie, to be perfectly honest. I've done the research and Keanu Reeves and Sanda Bullock have at least 97 times the chemistry as these two wet blankets. 

When Christian and Ana start a family.
It’s not that it’s not sexy, it’s just that it’s awfully irresponsible. We have two adults — one who is, no big, a possessive sociopath — who both freely admit to not being ready to procreate. Yet they very consistently have unprotected sex: in a car, in someone’s kitchen, in that gotdamn Red Room. And yet, Ana’s gynecologist has to *explain* to her that she got pregnant because she missed her birth control shots. THESE ARE ADULTS. Someone please call child protective services — and while you’re at it? Throw these two in the Red Room and toss away the key.