Jack throws a good punch Daniel's way. Credit: ABC/Richard Cartwright Jack throws a good punch Daniel's way.
Credit: ABC/Richard Cartwright

Poor, poor Amanda. Getting shot by her husband wasn’t enough torture; now, she’s set to recover at Chez Grayson. Oh, the horror! Let’s see how we got there, shall we?

You’ll recall that at the end of last week’s episode our tragic heroine was just starting to piece together the events that unfolded at her wedding — namely that Daniel shot her. Well, she must have one hell of a functioning brain, because just a week later, all’s well and her memory is in tip-top shape. We know this because Nolan, dressed in a ridiculous candy striper jacket, visits and Amanda is as lucid about everything as ever. One thing she’s definitely clear about – her mission is over. OVER. She failed. She gives up. Viewers, rejoice! Could this charade finally be coming to a close? Bit by bit, it seems we are getting there, but of course, there are some hurdles along the way.

One such hurdle is Niko, Aidan’s Australian ex who is posing as Amanda’s nurse. Aidan calls on her to sneak Amanda out of the hospital and bring her to him. He also lets her in on the fact that he and Amanda are together again. Niko isn’t too pleased.

 

At the Stoweaway, Jack visits Sara. She’s all like, “get out of my face, weasel,” but he’s more inclined to support her, since she tried to kill herself and all. Wait, what’s that you say, Sara? You didn’t try to kill yourself? You just got drunk in a bathtub and passed out? Oh, OK, that’s better I guess. Daniel’s always gotta make it about him. In reality, Sara’s “suicide” attempt was nothing more than just some wild-night shenanigans. They spar about Daniel’s monster ego and then out of nowhere Jack comes in and decks Daniel. “That’s what you get for shooting my best friend!” (is what I imagine Jack was thinking to himself).

This quack doctor decides that Amanda is well enough to continue recovery at home, with 24-hour care. What better place to come back to life than the deathhole that is Grayson manor? Amanda panics when she comes to her senses and realizes she’s trapped in her in-laws’ house. Victoria claims it’s because Lydia’s still on the loose (she’s wanted for the shooting) and Amanda won’t be safe at her own pad. But thankfully, Niko is part of the aforementioned 24-hour care, and she’s on Team Amanda. Turns out she’s Takeda’s daughter trying to avenge her own father’s death! I love when these worlds entwine. Anyway, too bad Niko doesn’t realize that her father wasn’t killed by some random burglar (more on that later). “You’re safest in the eye of the storm,” she tells Amanda.

Elsewhere, Daniel pushes Margot for more about Lydia’s vengeful spite in the next issue of Voulez, but Margot says that’s all speculation. And Victoria enlists Patrick to get a hold of Amanda’s revenge box. She needs all the leverage she can get before Amanda remembers everything. When she tells her son it was really Daniel, not Lydia, who shot Amanda, and Patrick freaks — “you chose your blood over your bastard!” he shouts in possibly the best line of the night. Then, fittingly for this show, she gives him a good slap. “It’s my duty, not yours, to expose Emily.” But Patrick will still help. He plays nice with Nolan and scores an invite to his sometimes-beau’s house that evening at 8, where he’ll presumably steal the box.

Carl is growing up quickly — so much that they had to cast a toddler to take over for baby Carl now. Anyway, Jack, Charlotte and Carl pay a little visit to Amanda, and Amanda says she wants to get a message to Aidan. Just like that, mom and pop Grayson have returned and Amanda’s visitors have to skedaddle. Little Carl drops his stuffed puppy, but Jack insists she hang onto it. Interesting.

Niko overhears Victoria telling Patrick about the box, and she promptly tells Amanda. Well, crap, this is looking pretty bad for Amanda, isn’t it? But Amanda, shockingly, is like, “let her find it, I give up.” This sends Niko flying off the handrails. All her pain for watching her dad suffer is gonna go out the window, just like that? When Amanda lets slip she and Aidan are engaged, that really makes Niko lose it. In I guess what is a theme tonight, Niko decks Amanda, right in the stomach, where it hurts. Owwww. She advises her to save her strength to escape this hellhole, as she quits her orderly job, effectively immediately, thankyouverymuch.

Victoria invites Amanda for a little chat over dessert. (“Marta made the most delicate profiteroles!” is a real line Victoria uttered last night.) Vicki’s got bad news: Because of the accident, Amanda will never be able to conceive. Tragic! But really, how did a doctor not deliver this news? Who in their right mind would say “OK, Victoria Grayson, we’ll leave this terrible news in your hands to deliver, it’s not like we’re trained on how to do it or anything.” Understandably, Amanda is heartbroken and has a little tantrum after Victoria leaves the room.

On what I imagine is the other side of town, Niko gives a piece of her mind to Aidan. Uhh thanks for telling me you’re engaged, asshole! It turns out Aidan had promised Niko he’d return to Japan to get her. Aidan, two-timing! He instructs Niko not to do anything rash till he gets to her.

And back in rich-people-land, Nolan and Patrick are getting drunkity drunk drunk drunk. Well, one of them is at least. When Nolan spills a drink on his hand and Patrick licks it up, he’s disgusted to taste water, not booze. Why is Nolan staying sober? He still doesn’t trust Patrick (or, as he tells it to Patrick, “I didn’t want to lose control.”) And here comes another punch! To Nolan, love Patrick’s fist. At least he got out of there with the box, which he promptly hands over to Victoria. She opens it with a look of horror as we take a commercial break.

Daniel visits Sara at her (very cutely decorated) pad and tells her about the fake pregnancy but does not mention that, oh yeah, he shot his wife. They hug it out. Back at momma bear’s house, Victoria is reading Amanda’s journals when Mandy herself walks in. “Nothing can save you now!” she bellows. She’s got proof — pictures, bank statements, etc. — that Amanda’s ruse has been going for quite awhile. Ah, but when Victoria says, “Emily Thorne — if that’s even your name,” Amanda knows she’s in the clear.

At the Stoweaway, Jack sees that Margot’s planning a big hate piece on Lydia, and is all like “no, no, no!” He tells her Daniel’s using his own mag to cover for the fact that he shot Amanda. How does he know this? Amanda told him, of course! Margot freaks and I hope yelled to her staff STOP THE PRESSES! Because the issue was about to go to print, but she pulled it just in time to give Daniel a heart attack.

And speaking of press, Amanda beats Victoria at her own “I’m calling the press on you!” game by inviting them all to her house and giving an impromptu conference from her balcony (in a flowy dress, to keep up pregnancy appearances, natch). She breathlessly (girl’s been through a lot, ya know) says that it was Lydia who shot her and that she and Daniel are offering $10 million for her capture. Huh? Why is she defending Daniel here? In order to get back on the Graysons’ good side, now that they’re onto her. Also, we learn through a walkie-talkie call made through that stuffed dog (!) that Nolan switched out the revenge box, so the box V got was actually a fake! Wow, Nolan has a lot of time on his hands. After all that, Amanda is pretty much still in the clear, ID intact.

The new nurse, Bianca, brings Amanda to her house to get some things, which is really just a ruse for her to meet up with Aidan. Except their reunion is not happy. She essentially tells him that the Graysons have taken everything from her, including a future family. Aidan’s like “we can still make it!” but she’s done trying. She ends it with him (fortunately, there are no slaps here).

Margot gets wind of the conference and yells at Jack for screwing her up: Now Voulez is in debt and the issue went to print without the Lydia hate piece. She’s convinced Amanda must have been loopy when she said Daniel shot her. Jack says he shouldn’t have gotten involved, they kiss, and it’s supposedly all fine. The issue is with Margot’s assistant and there’s nothing really they can do at this point. Flash to Margot’s assistant arranging a deal with Conrad in the back of a limo. This can’t end well…

Aidan visits Niko at her dead father’s pad, still kind of in disbelief that a random burglar took him down. Flashback to Aidan killing Takeda! Oh yeah, that happened. Poor girl has no idea her father’s killer is right in front of her, and Aidan’s not gonna mention it now. Is he really not so good after all? Time will tell (maybe, who knows with this show). Anyway, Aidan’s on the rebound officially, so they smooch, and I guess we’ll be seeing more of Niko.

Ah, the final scene. It’s not really an explosive revelation, but more of a heated stand-still involving Amanda, Daniel and Victoria. The three are seated in the living room. Amanda calmly explains that she knows Daniel shot her, but she forgives him. Victoria says “name your price” because she’s classy and wants to pay Amanda to go away, but Amanda says she’s “not going anywhere.” Daniel says “screw you,” but if this were real life he would probably tell her to fuck off. Victoria snidely mentions that she’s endured (THERE’S THE EPISODE TITLE, PEEPS!) 25 years in a loveless marriage, so you two should have no trouble figuring things out. She exits, and Daniel and Amanda are left with nothing but icy stares. I kind of liked this unusually tepid ending, and overall give the episode an A- for all the juiciness (the fake box, slaps all around and — who can forget? — delicate profiteroles).

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