Bizzy and Victoria make quite the conniving team. Credit: ABC/Richard Cartwright Bizzy and Victoria make quite the conniving team. Credit: ABC/Richard Cartwright

“I’m on a boat!” Amanda tells Aidan as they navigate the waters in the middle of the night, being shady as usual. Surprisingly, that utterance from Amanda didn’t actually happen, but she did lament the fact that after all her revenge drama is over she’ll no longer be able to keep in touch with Nolan and Charlotte (whom she refers to tonight as her sister—are those feelings of love developing in that cold heart of yours, m’dear?).

Well hey there, Ana Ortiz

Conrad’s threatening Patrick in order to keep Victoria by his side—he needs to rebrand his image, and has even hired a publicist to help him do so. Ladies and germs, please welcome ABC friend (I mean, “Ugly Betty” alum) Ana Ortiz to the show! I'm always slightly amazed that "Revenge" can pull semi-famous people, like Courtney B. Vance and Amber Valetta, to the show. Can I just say that as a journalist who interacts with publicists just about every day of my life, how stereotypical her portrayal of PR maven Bizzy Preston was? Starting with the character name of “Bizzy Preston”—writers, that’s on you. Anyways, every time Bizzy opened her mouth it was all “you look mahhhvelous, dahhling” and “great party, huh?!” Blergh. Anyways, she’s there to clean up the Grayson name, and what better occasion for not only Victoria and Conrad but also Victoria and Emily to put on a united front? (Sorry for another side note, but is it always the 4th of July on this show? I feel like we just had a 4th of July party. Does it ever snow in the Hamptons?)


Amanda tells Nolan about the Graysons’ newest hire, and Nolan is like OH HELL NO. Bizzy outed Nolan in the press many moons ago, to the disgrace of Nolan’s father, who didn’t speak to him for years. Yikes. Amanda and Nolan think that Bizzy can help them in their mission to ruin Victoria. Of course, all this involves using some honey to trap her—they’ll have to play nice at first. The plan is to make up some story about Amanda being previously married, unbeknownst to Victoria. That oughta send her flying off the handles. Good for Nolan (or maybe not so food) that he’s got his own revenge mission now and isn’t just doing things like a sad sack for Amanda anymore!

At the Stoweaway, Daniel asks Sara, the new girl/his ex who he almost killed in a DUI, to make the cake for his wedding to Amanda. Because that’s not weird. Hey, sorry I almost killed you, but can you make my wedding cake? Red velvet’s great, thanks. Sara, in her tough Brooklyn accent (you can tell homegirl’s not Hamptons elite) is all like “I don’t need your charity,” but Daniel means it. She’ll think about it.

Amanda and Bizzy meet over lunch and Amanda feigns a whole “Oh no! You weren’t supposed to find out about my first husband!” scheme. She simply mustn’t have Victoria find out about it (which, you know, will happen later).

Elsewhere, Victoria barges in on a showering Aidan (hi naked Barry Sloane!) with a new plan for him: Get back into bed with Amanda to spite Daniel. That oughta create some fire, no?

Jack can't get it up

Jack’s trying to enjoy a romantic night with Margot on his boat but he just can’t. Poor guy’s plagued by his past. Margot senses things aren’t good in Jack’s head right now and leaves. Jack thinks he’s blown it. He talks about it with Nolan, and Nolan’s like “it’s time for you to face something.” More on that later.

Aidan spills Victoria’s plan to Amanda—if he doesn’t do it, he may lose his access to Victoria. But Amanda doesn’t want to lose Daniel just yet. Maybe there’s a way they can all appear together, “on our own terms,” she tells him. Of course, because this whole damn show is on Amanda’s terms.

Daniel and Amanda try a bunch of cakes served with a side order of guilt: Sara was raised by a single mom after her dad ditched them, so she learned everything she knows (including how to bake a cake) from her mom. Amanda says she can do the cake for the wedding, and Sara’s all like “this forgiveness thing we’re working on? I think it might happen.” Oh, that and so much more will happen, Sara! Just wait and see!

Bizzy tells Margot that Conrad is looking to get some coverage (editor’s note: this is NOT a good way to get some coverage). Conrad almost laughs in her face—coverage?! I’m offering you an EXCLUSIVE! Margot’s At least she has some respect for her role. Giving Conrad an exclusive show-off piece wouldn’t be held in the highest of journalistic standards, would it? It would only work if Conrad fully opened himself up to Margot, good and bad, which he’s not really interested in doing.

Aidan: Back in the game

Bizzy, Victoria and Amanda are about to tuck into a lovely lunch when who appears but Aidan Mathis. He asks for a minute of Amanda’s time but she quickly rebuffs his advances. Nonsense, Victoria says, go talk to him. Well, OK, Vicky, if you insist! With Victoria alone at the table Bizzy tells her about her soon-to-be daughter-in-law’s first trip down the altar. It doesn’t sit too well with Victoria. Of course, Nolan, Amanda and Aidan are all listening to this conversation go down from the parking lot.

At her high-falutin’ 4th of July party, Charlotte re-introduces Sara to Victoria, and Victoria actually asks Sara if she’d be more comfortable watching the fireworks in the field. Charming! But Victoria doesn’t get it, Charlotte tries to explain to her dear old mom: She thinks Sara is right for Daniel. They still have feelings for each other. She could stop the wedding between Daniel and Emz. The wheels start to turn in Victoria’s head…

Tonight’s reason No. 1 why I love Nick Wechsler: His heartbreaking “It’s time for me to move on” monologue to Amanda Clarke’s grave. He puts his wedding ring in his pocket—off his finger—when it’s all said and done. Sad! But he wants to make a fresh start with Margot, and facing his past is the only way he’s gonna be able to do it. I’ll get to reason No. 2 shortly.

And now, for Nolan's next trick...

Back at the party, Nolan uses some elaborate Google Glasses clone to steal Bizzy’s Blackberry password, and Daniel sees Aidan and Amanda together but—upon seeing Sara—tells Amanda he’s not jealous. This is not good news to Victoria, who can hear everything in the wings. Her plan must work!

Conrad agrees to open up to Margot, and Margot’s like great! I want to publish your whole book! Ugh, they’ll give anyone a book these days, won’t they? Jack steals Margot and apologizes for being weird. The fireworks start and she suggests watching them from the roof, aka, let’s go have sexy time.

Daniel finds Sara watching the fireworks on the beach (he brings her a sweater too. Just being nice or a little flirty there, D?). She starts talking about her hardcore past, watching the fireworks on Coney Island. Luckily for Daniel he too spent time watching the Coney Island fireworks (albeit with his nanny), so they do have some common ground. Sara’s like, I never thought in a million years I’d be on this beach with you, and they’re just about to kiss before the camera cuts away. Emz aint the only cheater here! And speaking of cheating, by hacking her phone, Nolan found a bunch of sexts that Bizzy was sending someone other than her husband. This will come in handy later.

As Elle Goulding’s “Tessellate” purrs softly in the background (thanks, Closed Captioning!), Jack and Margot get it on. Reason No. 2 why I love Nick Wechsler—that bod.

Mathis, out

Oh, but things aren’t looking so good for Aidan. Victoria’s not convinced that Daniel’s upset about him getting back with Amanda, so she fires him. Aidan meets Amanda on the beach to tell her.

Friends, Amanda gets three goddamn seasons to hash out her revenge, and Nolan only gets one night? Granted this was nice for him to get closure and all—exposing Bizzy’s clients’ secret, and also threatening to ruin her marriage by exposing her affair—but it would have been nice to give his mission some more depth. Who knows, maybe there will be more that we haven’t seen yet. One never knows with this show.

Victoria apologizes to Sara, then plants the seed that she might be right for Daniel after all. Nolan marvels at the irony that his revenge plot had a silver lining—he actually saved Bizzy’s marriage by not telling her hubs about her affair (she just had to promise she’d go back to the man who really loved her, not her sexting partner). Amanda says she enjoys being his wingwoman, and that she’s learning a lot from him (aw). Well, don’t be too happy with me yet, Nolan says, because there are some pictures Amanda hasn’t seen yet. That would be those of Daniel and Sara getting cozy on the beach during the 4th of July party. Oh, so that’s why Daniel wasn’t jealous of Aidan, she realizes. Fine, this is all a minor roadblock. Amanda says she’ll just make sure Daniel and Sara have no future together. How will she do that? Killing her? Poor girl’s been through enough as it is, so maybe a punishment that’s a little lighter this time? How about it, Amanda?

My verdict

I give tonight a solid B: TV candy as you will. No nutritional value (we didn’t really take Amanda’s plot any further), but I did enjoy the tastiness of Nick Weschler without his shirt on. What do you think? Let me know below.

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