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'Scandal' recap: Season 3, Episode 4, 'Say Hello to My Little Friend'

This sexting Senator's phone is always roaming. Credit: ABC This sexting Senator's phone is always roaming.
Credit: ABC

This week's "Scandal" is ripped from America's headlines: Senator Meyers (Patrick Fabian) is caught texting pictures of his privates to a young woman. If the producers were really mimicking the Anthony Weiner debacle, though, they'd have made the Senator's last name Penis. He does use a great pseudonym in his texts, however:"Redwood Johnson." Unfortunately, the woman he messaged, Desiree Oaks, wound up dead.Double unfortunate: her name also sounds like a pseudonym for privates.

Pope and Associates take him on as a client, because they believe he didn't kill Oaks — his wife (Melora Hardin) was with him at the time of the murder. But then: several more women also read saucy textsunder oath, including one that ends,"...until they hit you in the face,"which everyone in court seems to agree and accept makes no sense. Truly, if we learned anything from Anthony Weiner's scandal, it's this: Where there is one dick pic, there will be more. We don't think it ends in the court room. We're keepingour radar on forthe rest of this recap.

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Will we see one in Liv's apartment?

The episode opens withJake Ballard (Scott Foley) and Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) arguing. He says she's not safe around her father,evil commander of the CIA's secret group of assassins, who most recently tortured Jake. But Liv is too terrified to fight or run, choosing instead to return to daddy's arms. She sends Jake away, saying, "I've never heard of you," which does sound like a reply to a sext, but is clearly not a request for one. All clear here;we'll keep looking.

Will it be in the White House?

At a press conference, Mellie Grant (Bellamy Young) says nice things about Josephine Marcus (Lisa Kudrow!), a Democratic Congresswoman who will run against President Fitz (Tony Goldwyn) in the next election. But afterward, Mellie says not nice things about the congresswoman — into a live microphone.

Cyrus fumes, producing newspapers with "New York Daily News" style headline puns — "Worst Lady!" — and explaining that Marcus's approval rating is up. He forces Mellie to apologize, but it's clear her feud with Marcus isn't over. So: Mellie got busted spreading naughty words, yes, but not pictures. The hunt continues.

Will we find one at an AA meeting?

Quinn follows Huck to Alcoholics Anonymous, and since she knows that when he says "whiskey" he means "torturing and killing people",he's annoyed to see her. But seriously, he's obsessed: We see him later spying on the funeral of the guy he killed — Foster, the rogue retired military guy who ran through the White House shouting "Operation Remington" in the last episode.It's unclear whether Huck feels remorse or is looking for more people to kill.

But it turns out Quinn is the creepy one: she asks Huck about the murder, curious how he angled the blades to make it look like suicide. And then Huck freaks, demanding she stop asking questions before its too late, beforeshe's also addicted to killing. Whoah. Scary. Definitely no sexting here.

Maybe we'll see one back in the court room?

Liv convinces the Senator's wife to testify (she'd run away after the great unearthing of naughty messages). Their new strategy is to tell the truth: She hates her husband. It works, gaining her credibility with the jury so they believe she was with him at the time of the murder. The jurors deliver a not-guilty verdict. But then the senator tells Liv his wife wasn't with him that night, and Liv figures it out: The wife did it! ...murdered Desiree Oaks, I mean...not sent the dick pics...that would too convoluted even for network television.

Let's see, what else?
• David tells Abby he's done with their on-again off-again romance.
• Jake and Huck discover Foster's secret mission — and that President Fitz had also been there.
• Congresswoman Lisa Kudrow had a teen pregnancy, which Cyrus will definitely use against her.
• Your weekly reminder that Fitz once killed an old woman in chemo.
• And Cyrus tells Fitz to back away from the Foster problem lest people investigate his own involvement,"And we all know what's at the bottom of that cracker-jack box." Ooo! A dick pic? Is it a picture of someone's business? Because I knew there'd be another– Never mind, he's talking about Operation Remington.

Okay, so I was wrong.

Wait a minute…hold on…did Abby just…yes, she texted David a picture of her vagina! Hooray: I knew it. By Anthony Weiner, I knew it wasn't over. It's never over.

Episode grade: A-

Next week: Fitz confronts evil daddy Pope about Operation Remington. And Olivia deals with having made out with Jake again. Future illicit cellular images unknown.

Leave a comment! Do not leave a picture of your privates.

Jane Borden
@JaneBorden

 
 
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