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The ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ guide to revenge

What to do after you’re left standing at the altar, based on the season 3 premiere.
Crazy Ex Girlfriend Season 3 Premiere
Rachel Bloom as Rebecca in "Josh's Ex-Girlfriend Wants Revenge." Photo: Tyler Golden/The CW

Say you’ve been left at the altar by the love of your life like Rebecca Bunch (Rachel Bloom) in front of your closest family and friends. You’d be devastated, right? You might get rip-roaring drunk, talk smack about your ex with your friends or, if you live life in a musical like Rebecca does, you might break into a perfectly choreographed song expressing your heartbreak.

Of course Rebecca breaks into a song — this is “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,” a series that broaches unrequited love through song and dance — but not before she disappears for a while, leaving her best friend Paula (Donna Lynne Champlin) to deal with the fallout.  

But once Rebecca comes back, armed with a song about her desire for redemption, she goes dark quick. Mostly, she’s plotting a diabolical revenge against her ex-fiance, Josh Chan (Vincent Rodriguez III). You know, the one who ran away to go to Priest School in last season’s finale.

Here are all of the best ways to get revenge after getting stood up by an ex from the premiere episode of season 3.

Get an 'evil' makeover
We all know the best way to make your ex jealous is to look fabulous. So be like Rebecca and get an evil makeover. And although you might not notice much of a difference in Rebecca’s appearance, it’s there, trust her. Because the real key to a successful eviiiiiiiiiilllllll (as in the Doctor) makeover is making sure your reveal is dramatic, so that everyone sees how fabulous — and evil — you look.

Make a fake sex-tape
If your ex-fiance has run off to become a priest, what’s the best way to take him down? Say, a good old fashioned sex scandal might work! Just make sure you find an actor who looks enough like your ex — and don’t be shy about getting naked yourself to make this work. It may be a risky approach, but we’re sure it will ruin lives. Just be careful that it’s not your life.

Send your poop disguised as cupcakes
Sometimes you need to send a strong message. And sometimes, that strong message is your poop, in a plastic container, with a note that says it’s cupcakes — and that the recipient shouldn’t smell them before eating them. This idea may be crazy, but sometimes you have to make a stink to get your point across.

Go old fashioned and sue him
If you’re a lawyer like Rebecca, suing your former fiance makes a lot of sense. Why should he get away with leaving you high and dry in front of an audience? Plus, if your BFF is a paralegal slash law student, you can totally just coast and let her handle all of the details. It’s a perfectly mature solution and might even help you to garner the attention of the press!

Take the high road
This is the safest option. It shows that you’re cool, calm and collected. Some people might even call you an adult. You can move on with your life and no one will ever find out your deepest, darkest secrets — like the secrets in the folder your stalker handed to your fiance just before the wedding. Then again, taking the high road is a lot less fun.

 
 
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