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'Game of Thrones' premiere recap: So much mansplaining

For the premiere, the series sets the scene for what's to come.
Daenerys Targaryen Season 7 Episode 1
Khaleesi's back, y'all. Photo: HBO

And we’re back in Westeros. After a really long time, “Game of Thrones” has returned, and things are heating up. Well, not literally. Winter is here, so things are getting colder, but you get the gist.

The premiere mostly does the work of laying the groundwork of the season to come. Oh, and Ed Sheeran is there as a Lannister soldier. Which is probably the most unbelievable thing this show has ever invented.

Arya is a murder machine

If you too thought — wait a second, didn’t Arya slit Walder Frey’s throat while smiling gleefully at the end of last season? — you’re not alone. It was pretty clear that she was an Arya dressed in a Frey’s clothing, and that she was mass poisoning the family that betrayed her own.

After casually killing all of the Freys to speak of, Arya heads south to pop in to King’s Landing and kill Cersei. She hears Ed Sheeran and his Lannister crew singing songs by a campfire and honestly, it’s the worst.

Dear Jon Snow: Stop mansplaining to Sansa, please

Sansa is in a tough position — like, yes, girlfriend has escaped the hands of her abusive, rapey husband (Rest in pieces, Ramsay!) by letting his dogs eat his face. But now, Jon Snow is getting all the credit for the win at the Battle of the Bastards, and being unanimously named King of the North when this dude isn’t even a Stark for real for real.

To make matters worse, Jon has the nerve to mansplain war, winter and the Night King to Sansa and it’s not great. Do you think Jon is the kind of dude who manspreads on a crowded train during rush hour? It’s certainly starting to feel like it.

To be fair though, moments before whining to Sansa, “You think I’m like Joffrey!?” Jon makes a new decree for the battles ahead: women and young girls will be included in all the soldiering, not just boys and men. Equality! You know, the classic one step forward, one step back deal.

Cersei remains out of her damn mind

Cersei is clearly beyond any polite mentions of “unhinged” at this point. The only thing that humanized her, even a little bit, was her children. Now they’re gone, and Cersei is full Mad Queen. And her only motive is a thirst for power and revenge, just like a regular Regina George. When Jaime mentions that the so-called dynasty she’s trying to build won’t be passed on to anybody since all their kids are, you know, dead, Cersei is like, “Oh then, a dynasty for us!” Baby girl is, how do you say, trippin.

It will be interesting, though, to see how (or if!) her relationship with Euron grows. Having stepped up his sexy evil pirate fashion game, Euron could be a formidable ally for Cersei. Especially because he’s pure evil and has no problem bragging about it.

Good ol’ Samwell Tarly relearns suffering

The Citadel is basically what this writer imagines it’s like in the annals of Washington D.C. right now. Just a whole bunch of privileged white men, removed from the world, acting like they know something.

Sam, for his part, has learned that training to be a maester isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The most interesting thing that happens in his life is when a. Ser Jorah’s unmoisturized arm comes a creeping through the gate, asking about Daenerys Targaryen’s whereabouts; and b. when he steals a library book. Literally. A library book.

Khaleesi comes home

Dany hasn’t been home to Dragonstone since that time she was born. So when she finally makes it back, draped in a gorgeous winter pantsuit/romper/cloak, it’s almost emotional! Dragonstone itself is a hot mess, but a hot beautiful mess. And it doesn’t stop her from immediately getting to work, with her hand, Tyrion, by her side.

Everything else

Tormund is still looking at Brinne with heart shaped emoji eyes. When will this power couple become the real thing?

The Hound has a crisis of conscience, but also might be a prophet now? He saw a group of the undead approaching one of the abandoned castles of The Wall through the flames, so that’s happening.

Littlefinger is still creepy! And he still wants Sansa’s hand in marriage because he took all of his affection for Catelyn and plopped it right into Sansa’s direction, for some reason. How is he planning to creepily stake his claim on Sansa in the future? 

 
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