What's up with Kelly Clarkson's creepy Christmas card?

What is even happening in this photo? Why are Kelly Clarkson and her family bound with red ribbon like they're the victims of a very merry home invasion?

"Merry Christmas from the Blackstocks!" Kelly Clarkson tweeted, with no further explanation. "Merry Christmas from the Blackstocks!" Kelly Clarkson tweeted, with no further explanation.

 

I get it. It's hard to be original when you're taking a Christmas photo.

 

I'm sure there's a lot of pressure on Kelly Clarkson this year. She's newly married and expecting a baby. She's got a Christmas special and a Christmas album both dropping this month. Her family Christmas card can't be the normal reindeer sweater-wearing, tree-twinkling, cute-kid boringness. It has to wow.

 

But I think maybe someone panicked on this one.

 

What is even happening in this photo? Why are Kelly Clarkson, her new husband Brandon Blackstock, and his kids and dogs all bound together with red ribbon like they're the victims of a very merry home invasion? Why are they all looking at Santa like he's the perp? And if this is some sort of Evil Santa joke, why isn't he doing anything worse than eating his milk and cookies?

Look. I support weird Christmas photos. I love weird Christmas photos. But you can't go just a little bit weird. You have to own it. Gather the kids around the severed head of a reindeer. Use a screen grab of security footage of your family stealing a Christmas tree from the mall. Send each person on your list an individual photo of your family carolinginside the recipient's house, and after they open it they turn around and there you all are, the Clarkson-Blackstocks, humming "Silent Night," unsmiling. How did you get in? How did you know when they would open the card? They will never know. "Merry Christmas from the Blackstocks," you will whisper, and disappear in a puff of pine-scented smoke. Nowthat's a Christmas card that wows.

Call me, Kelly, for Christmas 2014. I clearly have a gift for this.

 
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