US men's soccer star Jozy Altidore went down with an injury in our very first World Cup game. Luckily, US Soccer has a great replacement for him: Will Ferrell, who is ready and willing to pull a Suarez for America.
The "Anchorman" star visited US World Cup headquarters in Brazil, where he promised to take care of that little Germany problem we're facing in a few hours. Raising the fist of President Teddy Roosevelt (Teddy Roosevelt is at the World Cup. Don't worry about it), Ferrell led the crowd in chants of "USA! USA!"
"I'm so honored to be playing tomorrow," Ferrell said. "I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm not in soccer shape right now, but I'm gonna try my best... If the game gets close, I will bite the opponent. I will bite every German player if I have to."
Ferrell promised to reunite with fans after the game to party. "Look for the guy sitting next to Teddy Roosevelt in a red, white, and blue bikini top," he said.
And with the blood of Germany smeared around his mouth, one presumes.